Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll receive an unwelcome advance from a friend confused by your signals. To avoid the awkwardness, you’ll simply send more confusing signals. When the tension reaches a climax, you’ll just mumble and gesticulate.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Inspired by the humility and candor of Baldwin County Commission President Chris Elliott, you will fail to sincerely account or apologize for an incredibly poor decision. You will be rewarded with an “atta boy” and a pat on the back.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll be chastised for skipping the inauguration of President-elect Donald Trump, despite never having plans to attend it. However, you’ll be able to rectify that affront when the Commander in Chief returns to Mobile a third time on his nationwide “thanks again” tour.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After reading two trending stories that suggest former relevant person Lindsay Lohan has and then hasn’t converted to Islam, you’ll come to the grim realization that America must have left a badly wounded journalism to die in 2016. Sadly, you won’t be the only one who has that thought.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Investigators will incorrectly identify you as a suspected criminal next week thanks to a shoddy sketch artist who should have long been fired. Finally, after proving to the police that your face isn’t entirely made of pink lines, Cpl. J.D. Crowe will be relieved of his duties at the MPD.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Sidelined by an intense crick in the neck, you’ll find it hard to work, sleep or enjoy life in general next week. However, as your neck stretches grow more violent and desperate, the sight will cause a queasy coworker to voluntarily foot the bill for your needed chiropractic work.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Fearing the worst, you’ll be relieved when you discover the green color of your latest bowel movements was caused by a Tamiflu prescription. You’ll immediately call your friends and family to let them know you’re not dying after all.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — A simple grammatical mistake will get you banned from Mobile’s new P.F. Chang’s. When the restaurant sends out a tweet promoting its opening next month, it’ll forget to put an apostrophe between the “g” and the “s.” This will send you over the edge.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Inspired by news from the inauguration, you’ll create your own E-Street cover band called “Glory Daze.” Your first and last performance will be at The Merry Widow. You kind of need to know the lyrics and how to sing them to start a cover band.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Knowing a great idea when you hear one, you’ll try to make an easy buck by selling your own brand of Girl Scout cookies. You won’t let the fact you’re in your late 30s get you down, although that fact alone will stifle sales of “Twin Mints.”
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll prepare for the first Mardi Gras parades of the season by shoving people next to you and urinating in an alleyway downtown. You behavior will be tolerated until you start asking to see boobs in exchange for cheap beads.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll begin attending Fairhope City Council meetings just to watch the fireworks between the mayor and some councilmembers. Weeks from now, you’ll be asked to stop selling popcorn and other concessions before the meeting is adjourned.