Dr. Zodiac

*LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) * – Stop following that band around. Just because you keep offering to give them sexual favors does not mean they will ever like you or invite you backstage to pray with them before the big Christian rock festival.

*VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) * – It’s that time of year again to buy your children new uniforms. Thank goodness taxpayers pick up the tab for orange jumpsuits, because you’re going to lose all of your savings in a pyramid scheme.

*LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) * – Your security alarm will be tripped by welcomed guests. Looks like it’s time to teach the neighborhood cat pack how to use the ADT keypad. Someone has stolen your identity and is actually improving your credit score.

*SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) * – Just because you are amazing at the video game Guitar Hero does not in any way prove you are good at playing the guitar. On that same note, just because you are great at Halo does not mean you can actually fight aliens or shoot automatic weapons. Give up on that dream and start hunting for some other elusive target, like a job.

*SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) * – The full moon has seriously affected your ability to make rational decisions. Or maybe it is the handle of cognac you’ve been chugging every night. Either way, stay away from the Best Buy computer repairmen. They will discover your deepest secret.

*CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) * – You never travel without an entourage of token goons who make you look really hot and smart compared to them. However, this week, a photo of all of you together will surface proving that you are actually the one with the mullet wearing a rebel flag bikini.

*AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) * – Selling blood plasma is working out well for you. You can finally afford all of the good things in life like blankets and spoons. Watch your back this week, because someone is going to prove the plasma isn’t yours.

*PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) * – Stop following that band around. Just because you keep offering to give them sexual favors does not mean they will ever like you or invite you backstage to pray with them before the big Christian rock festival.

*ARIES (March 21 – April 19) * -Work is making you jaded with all of its repetitiveness. Sleep with your boss, fry hamburgers, sleep with your boss, fry hamburgers. Try to mix things up. Maybe add drinking on the job or listening to Dane Cook on your iPod

*TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) * – You are going to run into a hot guy you knew in high school who says he is shocked you aren’t married yet. Unfortunately, he will not be shocked in the good way, as in why hasn’t anyone snatched you up yet, but shocked in the bad way, as in why are you such a pathetic loser.

*GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) * – Your front yard collection of rogue shopping carts will start bothering the neighbors when you begin filling them with produce you’ve crafted out of paper towels and chewed Tootsie Rolls.

*CANCER (June 22 – July 22) * – Your amazing online stalking capabilities will finally be put to good use when you introduce yourself to the one person who is impressed you know more about his medical history than he does. Let him in on your theory about his chronic bloody diarrhea, and you may just have a steamy love connection on your hands.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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