Dr. Zodiac

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- All of this heat is really inspiring the inventor in you. That idea you had for building a house insulated by coozies didn’t really pan out, but that shoes made of dry ice thing sounds really promising. Throw all of your savings into it and quit your job. You’re going places my friend.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Your worst enemy parks his car in the same place every day. You have been itching to seriously “F” it up, Carrie Underwood style, but you know that would mean you were clinically insane. So why don’t you instead buy 200 of those bullet-hole decal things and attach them all over the car? No, seriously, that would be hilarious.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – All of your worst fears will come true this week when an elderly person and a little kid, dressed as clowns and carrying hatchets, sneak into your kitchen and steal your last Klondike bar.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – The meteor shower last weekend was not actually a meteor shower but the movie “Stardust” come to life. That means that if you find Claire Danes and cut out her heart and eat it, you will have everlasting life. Anyone that looks remotely like Claire Danes will probably work just as well.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Oh man, time to go back to school. Looks like you’re going to have to start reading things again. Good thing you only signed up for classes that study books that were made into movies. Unfortunately, one class is actually about movies that were made into books, and you are going to be so confused that you’ll have to drop out and spend your days peddling bodily organs for gas money. Lesson learned: read.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Don’t be afraid of your impending death. Start making plans on how you can sneak packs of cigarettes and porno mags into the afterlife, and you’ll at least be able to bribe people into being your friends.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – You are going to start a new relationship. Will it be business related? Love related? Relative related? Will it be exciting? Scary? Illegal? Those answers are still a little blurry, but stay on your toes because I definitely see some sort of relationship. Or some sort of battleship. One of those two, definitely.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Inspired by that cell phone commercial where those guys suggest a butter-eating contest, you and your friends will have an actual butter-eating contest. It will somehow end in a lot of flying ‘bows, so keep your sharpened toothbrush shiv handy this week.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – You are sure that unless you document every moment of your life in your blog, no one will think you are interesting or even alive. Well, as crazy as it sounds, you are right. You aren’t interesting or even alive without your blog. You are a hologram creation of the Google company.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Stop trying to impress that new guy with how smart, funny and nice you are. Just be yourself and that should be enough. Anyways, he’ll like you way more when he really gets to know you and discovers that you are a hooker.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – People are starting to wonder if you are concealing an army of garden gnomes in your outrageously tall grass. They are totally onto you. Start cutting your lawn and hiding the little creatures in the basement because the day is coming very soon when your neighborhood will be attacked by a platoon of pink flamingoes.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – Your favorite time of year is here! Beer Fest! The night is finally upon us when you can stumble down Royal Street chugging 90 varieties of beer and no one will call the police. Well they won’t if you remember to wear pants this time

Dr Zodiac is a mysterious denizen of downtown Mobile who publishes exclusively in Lagniappe.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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