Dr. Zodiac

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) -Somehow you have gotten the reputation as everyone’s surrogate crazy aunt or uncle. It’s time to start living up to the hype. Start showing up uninvited at your friend’s houses with potentially dangerous or even illegal gifts. Then stay for a few days or at least until you’ve conquered the liquor cabinet and downed every beer in the fridge.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – You’ve been having dreams lately where everyone you’ve ever met is in one room. With your birthday coming up, maybe it’s time to make that happen. Blow all your savings on the ultimate fiesta this year. Hopefully your friends will remember when you lose your house and are couch surfing for the next couple of months.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – You have recently noticed that you are having trouble getting people to answer or return your phone calls. Don’t worry, the solution is simple. Just change your number, your name and who your friends are. The phone will be ringing off the hook in no time.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Lately it seems that every time you pick up a pen to write it’s out of ink. Maybe that’s a sign you don’t need to be writing. Or you need to buy new pens.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – You don’t consider yourself an irresponsible person- you just somehow manage to break or lose everything you own. Donate all your belongings that are still intact. This way you’ll feel socially responsible and you won’t have to feel bad when you ruin yet another thing you spent a lot of money on.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Your grandiose plans for the future, while fabulous, serve as proof that you are so far detached from reality that the word isn’t even in your vocabulary. It’s time to come down a notch, or maybe even all the way down the ladder. You can take that trip you know you deserve, you just might not be able to hop in your car and tour the country. At least not without losing your job.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Sick of hearing about Britney Spears? Maybe you should cancel your subscription to US Weekly and change your homepage from thesuperficial.com to, I don’t know, something with actual news. Oh wait, that won’t even work. Just move. To the desert…or a cave.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Still can’t get rid of that pesky ex you broke up with months ago? It’s time to completely re-do your front lawn with booby traps. You’ll either catch him in one or at least look crazy enough to get rid of him for a while.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Your life has started to become one giant text message. Ur abbreviating words as u speak and typing in that style 2. U def need 2 stop b4 it’s 2 late.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Stop trying so hard to be different, it’s actually making you more like everybody else. Not washing your hair and dressing like a homeless person has become a Hollywood trend these days. In fact, looking pulled-together might actually set you apart.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – Is your house starting to feel like a zoo? That’s normal at this time of year with school starting once again. However, it might help to get rid of that pet emu you just had to have.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) – Just because you slept outside Ken Burns’ hotel room when he was in town doesn’t make you a stalker. Insisting he make a documentary on your latest colonoscopy doesn’t make you dangerous. Posing dead squirrels in tiny Civil War comstumes for snapshots to mail to him, well, yeah that might be a little on the weird side. No public television spotlight for you, just America’s Most Wanted.

Dr Zodiac is a mysterious denizen of downtown Mobile who publishes exclusively in Lagniappe.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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