Dr. Zodiac

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – I know you’re disappointed by the Saints’ season thus far, but, well, face it, the Saints being terrible is a sign that New Orleans is getting back to normal. You can take that as a sign that your life will also be getting back to normal this week.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – You are starting to become a part of one of those couples who refers to themselves as “we.” I don’t know at what point the two of you became one person, but stop it immediately. Because every time you do it, whether subconsciously or not, your friends are throwing up in their mouths. And one of these days, they just might choke on it.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – The new season of Weeds has gotten you thinking about quitting your day job lately. Go for it. What do you have to lose? Your cubicle has already started to feel like a jail cell, and orange is this season’s hot new color.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – It’s BayFest time again. You can look at it two ways, as either a weekend of great music, or as a chance to make a fool of yourself in downtown Mobile. Pick the first choice. There should be enough going on to keep your friends entertained this weekend. So, just this once give yourself, and the cops, a break.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Your casual e-mail banter with that old flame you never got over is about to take a strange turn when you check your e-smail only to find your mailbox completely full. Apparently, he never got over you either. However, your boss will not be pleased when you quit working and devote all your time to reading and analyzing every single one.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – It’s time to pursue a new career…as a reality TV star. If Lauren Conrad is making $10,000 an episode to drink lattes and talk about boys, why can’t you? Go ahead and put all your money into the production of your new show. Call it something like “The Real LA” or maybe “The LA Half the Country Hasn’t Heard Of.” You’ll be reeling in the big bucks in no time.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Your big plan to follow around the members of Blue Oyster Cult banging a cowbell is genius and even has the potential to land you a gig as their next roadie. However be wary of the pressures of the job. Before you accept, you must make sure you’re not going to crack under the constant demand for “more cowbell” you’ll be hearing the rest of your life. Oh, that’s you usually yelling it in the crowd? Then, all your dreams are about to come true.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Drinking on the job has finally gotten you somewhere. You’ve become so drunk in the afternoon that you’ve started to pass out at your desk and not wake up until morning. Your boss thinks you’re coming in early and gives you a promotion. Keep it up, but you need to find a new place to stash your empties. Because sooner or later, someone will look under your desk, especially when your legs no longer fit underneath it.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Your game day heckling has reached new extremes. Calling every guy on the opponent’s team a virgin does not make you any more of a man. Insulting their moms does not make your mom any less of a whore.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – Don’t repeat last year’s mistakes at BayFest again this year. If you sleep with Jakob Dylan, that does not mean he will take you home to meet Bob. On the other hand, if you sleep in the gutter downtown, you might just meet a wonderful street cleaner.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) – Choosing who to stalk at BayFest is always a tough decision. I’m thinking this year it should be Slash. He’s from one of the most iconic bands of the 80’s and is a part of one of the biggest acts this year. And who knows what might happen, you might just get bitten by a snake, an excellent sign of your rock-star groupie credibility.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Stop jinxing yourself by making comments like “I’ve never been arrested” or “I always get away with cheating on my boyfriend.” Because as soon as you say it, it will happen. You’ll be caught with your pants down somewhere on Dauphin Street. So, just keep your smug comments to yourself this week, and you’ll manage to once again get away with your usual shenanigans.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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