Dr. Zodiac

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – You will get picked up at the bar by members of the same sex. It will start with them buying you shots, leading to dancing on the tables. The night will end with you losing all your new friends. Out of self-pity, or just drunken ignorance, you will allow a homeless guy to sleep on your living room floor after forcing him to watch Little Miss Sunshine with you.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – You will be forced to wear a nametag that isn’t your name. All day long, you will be called by something else, and you have no choice but to respond. The worst is yet to come when your new name starts to take over your life. Before you know it, you’re being charged with identity theft. You have an alter ego out there, and they want their stuff back.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – That one friend who is constantly complaining will finally go too far this weekend. You and your friends will be trying to have a good time, and then there she is to bring you down. You will drink too much, and she will call you out on it, even though all your friends will be equally annihilated. Don’t let it get to you. She is just so obviously unhappy with her life that she feels the need to criticize everybody else’s. If anything you should just feel sorry for her.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Your stealing has gotten out of control. You recently stole a book from your ex only to find it was an autographed copy. Now you have to try to sneak it back into his house. You will get caught on this one, but you know you deserve it. Not only will he be pissed about the book, but he will also think you are stalking him and get a restraining order on you. Lesson learned, no more stealing.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – It’s funny how chains of events work. OJ kills his wife. America tunes in. OJ gets off. America asks why? OJ robs hotel room in Vegas. America tunes in once again. OJ faces time in the slammer once again. You are not OJ Simpson. Killing your wife and committing armed robbery is not going to make the American people care about you any more than they do now.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – With Halloween coming up, the elaborate costumes you’ve been working on since last November will finally be put to use. Be careful this year. Just because you are dressed as Superman does not mean you can actually fly. Your police officer costume does not make you an actual cop, nor does it make you exempt from their rules. And, your Victoria’s Secret Angel costume sure as hell does not make you a supermodel, so let’s just leave that one at home.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Your system of writing bad checks will begin to work when things start to slip through the cracks. Miraculously, you will not get evicted or get your power, water or cable cut off. Soon, though, other parts of your life start to slip through the cracks too. Your car will overheat and you will have to get it towed. When it doesn’t show up at the place it was supposed to be brought to, you discover the towing company you called doesn’t even exist. Your favorite pair of jeans are in the car and will be lost along with it.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – You are in awe that Brittney Spears lost her kids to K-Fed, and you take the anger out on the neighbor’s car, bashing it with an umbrella. Then, you drive the wrong way down a one-way street without a valid license and with your toddler sitting on your lap. After that you will show your remorse by going out on a bender, ending with a performance of “Gimme More” on the steps of the cathedral. Don’t worry, all this will be forgiven with a brief stint in rehab.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – You will end up going home with a stranger this weekend. It will be the best weekend of your life until you sober up and realize the person next to you looks at least twice, if not three times, your age. You decide to make a quick escape but don’t know where your shoes or your car are. You are then forced to walk home barefoot. It’s not beautiful being easy.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – The season finale of Rock of Love has got you wondering why you can’t have two girlfriends. You, in fact, can. To break the news to them you should stage a ceremony along the lines of the final episode of Rock of Love. Wear a cowboy hat and a bandana. Trust me, they will be all over this idea, and you.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) – With the temperature dropping a few degrees lately, you are paranoid you will get sick and start taking inordinate amounts of vitamins to prevent this. Before you know it, you will have an alarm set for every hour so you can pop a handful of pills and shotgun a Vitamin Water.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – You will suffer from horrible insomnia this week. Out of sleep deprivation, you will order one of those robot vacuum cleaners from an infomercial. When it arrives, you will develop a bond with it that will make your pets and children jealous. You will even give it a name: Pete. You will start referring to Pete in conversation, and, sadly enough, your friends will know who you are talking about because they are going through the same thing, too.

Dr Zodiac is a mysterious denizen of downtown Mobile who publishes exclusively in Lagniappe.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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