Dr. Zodiac

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Your barhopping will finally be legitimized this weekend when you go from bar to bar attempting to win big money in Halloween costume contests. You will get so obsessed with winning you will continue to do it on into the following weeks after Halloween is over. This could be a really good moneymaking venture because people will start paying you to leave them alone.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – You’ve been completely bored with politics until last week when you found out that Stephen Colbert is running for president. Now, you’ve decided to become totally involved. You spark up debates at parties with absolutely no idea about what you talking about except what you have heard on his show.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – You will discover that what you thought to be the neighborhood kids pulling pranks on you every Halloween, it is actually your friends who are doing it. Time for a little revenge. I don’t want to completely give it away, but it involves some creepy stuffed cats from your crazy great aunt’s attic.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Prepare for carpal tunnels all weekend because on Wednesday you are going to rock at The Guitar Hero tournament at the Double Olive. Rocking out is hard work so practice. It will begin to take over your life. Better take some time off because once your done with it, you won’t be able to write for a week.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – You will start a new diet this month that involves you eating everything standing up, alternating between each foot. It will really work for you. In fact, you will look so fabulous that you get asked out on a date. However, problems will arise when you refuse to sit down at dinner.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – You will get a nasty e-mail from an old roommate demanding money from past-due bills that you already paid her for a while back. It turns out she invested the money you gave her into starting a bakery that makes cakes for dog birthday parties. Don’t give her the money. Buy out the business instead, change a few key ingredients, and the company will take off.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – With a new season of Nip/Tuck coming up, you will start to think about plastic surgery. You’ve been saving your money to buy a new car, but why not just blow it on cosmetic purposes. You don’t want to do anything cliché, like a nose job. Go with calf implants or maybe get your eyes widened.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Let the countdown to the Spice Girls reunion tour begin! You need to get your collection of platform shoes, pleather miniskirts and spandex jumpsuits on lockdown before it all sells out. Because, trust me, the entire country is just as excited about it as you are.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – The toolbox at the cubicle next to you will finally cross the line this week. His ass-kissing, as annoying as it is, is fine but when he starts telling on you, that’s going too far. Fill his desk drawers with Jell-o and download the raunchiest porn possible on his computer while he’s on lunch break.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – You have a tough decision to make and are wondering what to do next. Just flip a coin. It really doesn’t matter, you’re screwed either way. On a lighter note, you will finally do your laundry and will find a twenty in a pair of jeans you haven’t worn in months.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) – You will wake up to find out that your roommate or significant other, whoever you live with, blacked out the night before and came home with a puppy they don’t remember getting. You will be incredibly annoyed until you see signs around town looking for a lost puppy. You will return it and collect a pretty hefty reward for it. Unfortunately you will have to replace the sofa cushions the dog tore up. There will be enough money left over for a night on the town, and the whole process will start all over again.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – You will order Chinese food and get completely random fortunes that you don’t understand. You won’t be able to make sense out of them, and then everything will stop making sense as well. People will speak to you, and you will know the meaning of every word they say, but won’t be able to understand the way the words are put together. It will eventually stop, and your friends will think you’re very wise, although you will have no idea what you have been talking about for the past week.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

Archives