Mobile Magnified

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my Port City peeps and welcome to all you folks who are just visiting, especially those of you from Montgomery or Birmingham, who are looking for even more evidence that Mobilians are all insane. This column should give you plenty of ammunition. So be thankful for it! I know I am.

Frank and Beans in a Twist

Last weekend one of the owners at Visions Twist (formerly Red’s for those of you who haven’t ventured downtown lately) went to close the outside bar, when she heard some heavy breathing. She was startled to find she had interrupted a couple having sex in their back courtyard.

The man’s pants were down to his ankles and the women’s were as well. The man quickly pulled up his pants, but he got “the beans above the franks” – think Ben Stiller in “Something About Mary.” Ouch! And to add further insult to injury, the man tripped and hit his head on the deck. The owner explained to them that this is not a Motel 6 and asked them to leave, which they did but apparently both left their shoes behind. No word if he ever got the beans out of his zipper or if they contracted any hookworms while prancing down Dauphin Street barefoot, but our thoughts and prayers are with them.

Lando at Liquid

Billy Dee Williams showed up at Liquid several weeks ago late at night after a show at the Saenger. He and another man made themselves very cozy in the bar, with Lando Calrissian (C’mon “Star Wars” dorks, you know that was Billy Dee!) asking where they learned to roll such great sushi.

Pajamanator Identified

Last issue in Ashley Toland’s “Hidden Agenda” column, she welcomed a new “concerned citizen/lunatic” who had recently started attending the council meetings. The man wore pajama bottoms and talked about Arnold Schwarzenegger and “blood and guts.”

Well, apparently, he lives in Midtown and has not only been terrorizing the council but his neighbors as well.

“He has lived on the street for many years in an apartment complex (in Midtown). Within the past six months or so, according to him, his trust fund has run out of money and he has stopped taking his medications. He has been seen lately walking in front of cars on Dauphin and Government Streets and cursing at them when they slam on the brakes to avoid hitting him.

“He has also taken to dumpster diving at Winn Dixie and Dominos, and my personal favorite, knocking on my and many other neighbors’ doors at night to ask to borrow: a phone, money and fishing equipment.

“Yesterday he apparently went on a rant and started screaming at cars and neighbors and the police came and hauled him off. The landlord is also in the process of evicting him, so he might not make the next meeting,” one neighbor wrote last week.

Well, we hope he gets back on his meds. Poor thing. As Ashley can affirm, no one should have to endure those meetings off their meds.

B-bopping at B-Bob’s

The Fruit Loop spies reported B-bob’s has a fancy, schmancy new dance floor, said to be the “only one of its kind in the Southeast.”

“When you step on it, it makes patterns as you move your feet in all kinds of colors, and gets better when lots of people are out dancing. The drag queens love it as it is able to float one’s name across while performing. The crazy thing is that they are trying to keep people off of it with drinks – and all the young gays were tempting fate and making a big show of dancing across it with their drinks.” Good luck enforcing that during Mardi Gras.

Also celebrating the new floor were all the “raving” flag dancers, including one woman with watermelon scarves who danced pretty impressively.”

Slash, my eyes!

The BayFest gossip just keeps trickling in. Another spy inside the organization says Velvet Revolver front man Scott Weiland, “requested 3 pairs of black-rimmed, 2.5 reading glasses. So they (he and a BayFest volunteer) hit up all the hot spots (Rite Aid, Walgreen’s, etc.) but none of those places had them. One of the people helping with transportation works for the Convention and Visitor’s Bureau and remembered that they give out reading glasses at trade shows, so they went to the CVB office and checked, and sure enough they were exactly what he had requested. So he is now sporting some MBCVB glasses, unless they suffered the same fate as the blender.”

In case you missed this nasty story, the “blender” the spy is referring to is one Velvet Revolver requested to have backstage when they played the October festival. According to numerous sources, the band left fecal matter in it. At press time. There was no word on what the hell is wrong with these people.

True Dat

A couple of spies reported they attended the soft opening of one of Mobile’s hottest new restaurants, True – next to The Wine Loft in Legacy Village. I’m told the chef, Wesley True, trained under “Hell’s Kitchen” monster Gordon Ramsay and “Iron Chef” Bobby Flay. The spies said it was absolutely fabulous, with a menu of innovative dishes they had never seen around here – like an oyster and scallop sashimi served with a “celery sea foam” and a “squash soup with a pumpkin foam.”

One spy said her steak was so tender she never even thought about picking up her knife, which, by the way, she said, along with the fork and spoon, was “the coolest, funkiest flatware” she had ever seen.

Another spy reported the interior is stunning with light blue walls, lovely tables and chairs, a cool ceiling and a fountain, which she said she heard cost $20K alone.

And now for a little gravy, ladies… Both spies said the sous chefs (who all apparently live under the same roof) were “really hot and edgy in a non-Mobile boy kind of way.” So, I’m assuming they weren’t sporting the Mobile boy uniform – khaki pants, polo shirts, Croakies, bowl cuts, SEC ball caps, beer guts and Red Wing boots. Thank God. Let’s feed them after midnight and hope they multiply faster than Gremlins.

C-Note serenading outside Liquid.

One of Svengali Lou Pearlman’s newest boy bands was spotted outside Liquid Tuesday, Nov. 6. The band, which was in town visiting a friend, was featured on mtv.com in a piece about the next generation of boy bands. They not only munched on Liquid’s delicious sushi, but also serenaded the outdoor lunchers with an a cappella melody. I’m told their harmonies were hot like wasabi. Yeah, that was lame. Oh well. Deal with it.

Just asking…

Which Mobile city councilperson apparently threw a big hissy fit backstage at BayFest because he and his wife weren’t allowed to meet Daughtry? My spies reported the councilor and spouse tried to get on Daughtry’s tour bus (which I’m fairly certain only girls with big boobs are allowed to do that – not boobs, in general). Anyway, he allegedly told the road manager, “I sign the checks.”

Tacky, tacky, tacky! Thanks for making us look so PO-DUNK, councilor! So embarrassing!

A Thanksgiving tip…

If you are reading this prior to Thanksgiving evening, you deserve a treat for grabbing your Lagniappe hot off the presses. Let’s just say it would behoove you to be at Callaghan’s Thanksgiving night to not only see the fabulous musical stylings of PEEK, but also a very special guest who is supposed to sit in. I’ll give you a hint – it rhymes with Belliot Norris.

Well kids, that’s all I got right now. I hope you wake up from your tryptophan comas and make it out and about to act like the Thanksgiving turkeys I know you are. So just remember, whether rain or shine, dramatic or scandalous, or just some plain ol’ Lando Calrissian lovin’, I will be there. Ciao.

Boozie Beer Nues is Lagniappe social butterfly. Contact her at boozie@lagniappemobile.com.

Archives