Dr. Zodiac

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 -Nov. 21) – You will get in a horribly embarrassing drunken fight with a friend that will turn all of your friends against you. You will spend the week trying to learn card tricks to impress your friends to get them back on your side. Although this is not entirely necessary, it will actually help you get out of a pickle involving a doctor’s bill you never paid off. Be nice and ride your bike.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – You will smoke an entire pack of cigarettes in one night and wake up having completely lost your voice. Your new raspy voice will land you a gig as a sexy voiceover for radio commercials. Although you initially vowed to never smoke again, you will have to keep your new job. Balance it out by quitting something else that’s bad for you, like eating spoonfuls of mayonnaise from the jar.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Your hangovers have been lasting all week lately. Maybe that’s a sign you don’t need to start drinking whiskey when you wake up on Sunday morning. Go to Church instead. You will do a good deed and be rewarded for it by finding a $10 bill on the ground. Spend it on fake eyelashes and your love life will take a new turn.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb.18) – Your life is not as boring as you think. It’s actually more boring. Living vicariously through your 12-year-old sister just isn’t working anymore. You will get a roll of film developed that was taken so long ago that you can’t even remember when or where it was. There will be a mystery person in the pictures that you will spend the next few weeks trying to figure out who it is. Always get your film developed at Target from now on.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Your fascination with Eskimos has reached new limits. Sure, we all know it would be cool to live in an igloo, but that just really isn’t possible in Mobile. Start chasing a new ridiculous dream this week. Whether it may be that cute bartender you can’t get to notice you or the ex you want to take you back, just go for it. If it doesn’t work out, then you can start saving your money for a plane ticket to Alaska.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – You did all your Christmas shopping early this year, buying things that were on sale throughout the year. As you look back at what you bought, you might have been sadly mistaken about what was going to stay in fashion. That stuff was on sale for a reason, dammit. Now you have to get really creative and try to turn all the pairs of leg warmers you bought into cute pet costumes for your dogs. And then you have to completely re-do your shopping.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Ever since you found out that Dumbledore is gay, your life has been in complete shambles. Your best friend isn’t talking to you for no apparent reason. You are having disturbing dreams about the Allstate guy every night, and no, you are not in good hands. Eat peanut butter every day for a week, problem solved.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Iron Bowl weekend has you in a frenzy. You’ve been shit-talking and drinking steadily exponentially for the past three weeks. I don’t wanna say your team is going to win, I don’t wanna say they’re gonna lose either. I will tell you this – you won’t be making friends this weekend. Speak in a British accent to score free drinks.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – You will reunite with an old friend you haven’t seen in years, and it will be like you were never apart. You will spend a night drinking bourbon, watching “Dick Tracy,” and telling corny, completely G-rated jokes to each other. Get a cat and name it after this friend for good luck.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) -You will really out-do yourself this year on Thanksgiving in terms of gorging on turkey and on booze. So much that your family will never let you live it down. Before the day is over, you will go shot for shot with your craziest uncle and pass out with a plate of food in your lap that you will wake up and start eating again. The good news is that after Thursday, you’ll be so sick that you won’t be able to eat or drink for a week, and you will lose a bunch of weight. The bad news is your Santa costume won’t fit for Christmas.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – You will watch Old School again and get inspired to start your own fraternity. This will work out really well for you, and you will find a new purpose in life. You will write a self-help book on how to overcome boredom through brotherhood and gain national attention for it. A bad batch of eggnog will make you never want to drink the stuff again.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – You heard on the news that they are thinking of feeding birth control to pigeons in L.A. It’s got you wondering what (or who) else you can feed birth control to. Just a thought. You will buy a new pair of shoes that will pinch your toes, but wear them anyway. You will have two celebrity sightings this month, depending on how loosely you define the term.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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