Dr. Zodiac

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Your boss will set you up with one of his relatives. The situation will be so uncomfortable that you will naturally get wasted. The night won’t be complete until you pee yourself, but you will miraculously be able to play it off. You will leave your credit card at the bar and when you go back to get it the next day, the date will just happen to be there. Wear all black that day, and you will get asked out on a second date.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – You will be inspired by the new season of Project Runway to start making your own clothes. Unfortunately, you have don’t have the patience or the talent to actually make them look good. Get a puffy jacket with fur around the hood and tell everyone your new look is “Hobo Eskimo.” Don’t let anybody borrow your toothbrush for any reason.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb.18) – You will start to get mysterious, nonsensical text messages from a New Jersey number. When you reply or call back, no response. It’s a sign you need to take a trip up there. You’ll come back with all kinds of stories involving a clown, Scooby Doo and a pack of stray cats. Buy a new pair of sunglasses and a fedora before you go.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – You need to start having themed nights every time you go out with your friends. Be as creative with them as you would expect any true artist to be. Try “Glam Rock and Peacocks,” “Palm Readers and Pearls” or “Tattoos and Top Hats.” Have fun with it, but make sure you’re strict on the rule that anyone who doesn’t participate isn’t coming out with the group.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – You will make friends with a stranger this week. Although you may be wary to give them your number, do it anyway. They will make for a perfect exercise buddy. Buy the new Ween CD for everybody on your Christmas list this year.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – The drunken shenanigans you pulled on Thanksgiving will come back to haunt you until next year unless you encourage one of your cousins to get sauced up and make some bad decisions. Convince away. They need some excitement in their life right now. Someone will steal your shoes at the next birthday party you go to. Try not to be too reckless with the red wine.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – You were lucky enough to be invited to a bunch of Christmas parties this year. Problem is, of course, you will have nothing to wear. Instead of blowing your money on new clothes, blow it on booze and drugs. No one will even notice what you’re wearing. Sleep on the wrong end of the bed for eleven days and you’ll stop getting headaches.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)- Go all out with your holiday decorations this year. If you put up enough lights to blind your neighbors, you will always find your way home safely. Cover your yard with fake snow to keep away intruders and unwelcome houseguests. You will develop a terrible addiction to chap stick.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) – You will have to bail a friend out of jail this week. The good news is they will be permanently indebted to you. The bad news is they really don’t have anything to offer. Start getting your haircut somewhere new, and you’ll be instantly happier. Try to go an entire day without answering your phone or sending a text message just to prove you have self-control.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – You will decide to do all your Christmas shopping on E-Bay this year. If you find a deal that sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Order it anyways, and you will make a new friend. Take a train somewhere for New Years this year.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Your addiction to Diet Coke has become so strong that you should call it Diet Crack. When you start twitching and become itchy without it, you know that’s a bad sign. Buy a new wallet and you will start making more money.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 -Nov. 21) – You will start working on your New Years plans this week. Whatever your options are, pick the second one. If you are single, you need to start looking for a date immediately. The best way to do this? Start wearing hats all the time. If that doesn’t work, switch to wigs.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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