Dr. Zodiac

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – You have let your drunk dialing and texting get really out of hand. It’s become more like blackout dialing. Your friends are getting a little annoyed with waking up to the phone ringing incessantly, thinking you might be in trouble and answering only to hear the sounds of you giggling and bumping into things.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Someone will start posting really horrible photos of you online. This is a sign that you need to rein it in and stop making that horrible face in pictures, and in life in general. You will try to sing karaoke but fail miserably. You will receive free dance lessons from random people at the bar. Pay attention, they will change your life.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb.18) – You are astounded by this year’s list of “Most Fascinating People.” Katherine Heigl is a cute, funny actress, but fascinating? And Jennifer Hudson, isn’t she old news? Make your own list with some of Mobile’s best celebs. Then throw a big party to honor them, and invite me.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – A new love is in your cards this week, but that might not always be a good thing, seeing as how you’re already in a committed relationship. It’s bad decision time. You’ll spend the first of the year picking up the pieces and putting them back on the shelf. Winning a contest on the radio will really turn your life around.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) -You will wake up with a strange rash all over your body. If you ignore, it might go away. A friend you haven’t heard from in a while will randomly ask you to borrow money. Ignore them, too, and they might go away. The person you’ve been casually dating but don’t actually like will bombard you with invites to parties you want to go, just not with them. Go with them anyway, but as soon as you get in, once again, ignore, ignore, ignore.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – You discover that you can, in fact, be bought off and it really doesn’t take all that much. A free pack of cigarettes. A pen that actually works. A bite of someone’s sandwich. You’ve officially sold your soul. And while you were at it, you also fried your brain. A computer glitch will accidentally add whatever money you spend to your bank account rather than taking it out, so spend away.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) -You have been going through a phase lately where you don’t feel like going out and drinking. Suck it up, your friends miss you. Well, most of them. The one who has been trying to steal your boyfriend is happy you haven’t been out in a while. Someone will pour a drink on her and put her in her place once you start being fun again

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)- It’s time for a new diet plan that will finally work. You will have to give up meat, cheese, caffeine and foods that start with “p” and “h.” And you need to up your amphetamines dosage by about 250%. You will lose a ton of weight just when everyone else is putting it on for the holidays. And the good news is, you can also give up sleep on this new diet, thus adding hours to your day and increasing your productivity. How much better can it get?

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) – You know that one friend who is so terrible with the phone? The one whose phone rings and they silence it in their pocket without even looking to see who’s calling. You are going to become that friend. This will really work for you, adding that extra element of mystery. Watching Knocked Up will inspire you to start your own Website, which will consume your life for the next six months.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – With all the holiday parties you’ve been going to lately, you haven’t really had the time to keep your house clean. When you finally get around to it, you will notice that random things have been rearranged. Things you probably should’ve noticed a while ago. You’ve had some houseguests secretly living there for several weeks now. The good thing is that they have been buying you groceries and keeping the liquor cabinet stocked. Try to get your head on straight before New Years.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – You will get hired for a job that you are highly unqualified for. Maybe it’s because of your good looks and personality. Maybe it’s the fake resume you’ve been sending out. Go ahead and let yourself think whichever. Falling asleep at the bar will become your new thing.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 -Nov. 21) – After reading some of David Sedaris’s books, you will be motivated to write some stories about your own family. Unfortunately, the stories you pick to tell aren’t really funny, just downright embarrassing. They will forgive you after you make it up to them by taking them all to Disneyworld. Be careful on the 29th, especially if you are anywhere near the mall.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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