Dr. Zodiac

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Your recent birthday is making you feel old. It’s time to revert back to childhood. I’m talking prank calls, secret handshakes, drawing in chalk in front of your house. Your neighbors and friends might think you’re crazy, but you’ll be instantly happier, and that’s all that really matters. Pack your lunch with Fruit Roll-Ups, Gogurt and peanut butter and jellies, and the pleasure will continue until your next birthday.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – A friend of yours will go home with somebody really terrible, and it might just ruin your friendship. A few nights later, someone equally as terrible will try to go home with you. Stay classy and resist, not that it will be that hard. A late night escapade to Waffle House will make all that holiday depression go away. Unfortunately, it will also make your stomach hurt for three days.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb.18) – Your obsession with Guitar Hero and Rock Band will inspire you to actually form your own band. No, wait, that’s not right. It will inspire you to spend all day, every day, in your house working on your ‘grooves.’ And, just because you’re a badass at Wii bowling does not mean you will be a badass in a real game. It’s time to channel that energy elsewhere- perfecting your free-styling skills. Now, that’s a talent people can truly appreciate.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Stop making promises and then breaking them. That’s, like, super-lame. Instead, just don’t ever say you are going to do anything. Anytime anyone asks you to do something, say no. Then, when you actually do show up, everyone will be happy. Someone you barely know will call you exotic and you will have no idea why, but roll with it anyway, and exotic will become your new thing.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – You will finally stop hearing that possum that’s been living underneath your house and scuttling around at night while you try to sleep. The reason is, he has actually moved into your house. Give him a chance, it could turn out like Alvin and the Chipmunks, and you could make big bucks as band manager. Or it could just be a really foul rodent that’s trailing disease all over your house. You’ll just have to wait and find out.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Just because you’re a dork does not mean you are actually smart. Knowing random trivia may sometimes get you out of a pickle, but usually has little to no value whatsoever. Your addiction to Chapstick will increase ten-fold in the month of January. Don’t you worry though, you’ll be able to kick the habit for good after Mardi Gras.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – You seem to be the one of all your friends who constantly has something wrong with them. Try to take better care of yourself. Cut back on the drinking and smoking, maybe take a little Vitamin C. Or just make friends with someone who is a bigger mess than you are. That way you’ll actually start to look better on many different levels. If you’re stuck in a rut, adopting a Chinese baby will get you out of it.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)- You are in serious need of a new phone, but the one you’ve got just won’t seem to break. No matter how many times you drop it in the toilet, it still seems to turn back on. It’s gotten to the point where you could flush the damn thing and it would somehow reappear in your front yard. Don’t ask me how that’s possible, just trust me on this one. Leave it there and hopefully the garden gnomes will take it away.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) – A random girl at the bar will compliment your hairstyle and then ask you to fix hers. You’ll be tempted to say no, but do it anyways and a new career opportunity will rise up: hairstyling for the drunk. You can open a little booth at Soul Kitchen and charge either $5 or a vodka soda per person. Your going out all the time will be legitimized and you won’t have to run to the bar every five minutes to get another drink.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – You will start receiving calls from an ex out of nowhere, and it will make you wonder why you broke up with them in the first place. Get back together and you’ll both be happy. Until you remember the reason you broke up- they start drinking when they wake up, black out by noon, pick a fight with you and then pass out in the bushes somewhere. The best advice I can give you is just not to answer when they call, or to develop a corresponding drinking problem.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Surviving off of crackers, cigarettes and Fanta Orange isn’t really all it’s cracked up to be. The money you saved, however, will be well spent. Release your inhibitions by buying a one-way ticket somewhere. Bring an unexpected friend with you and you won’t regret it. In fact, you won’t regret anything from now on as long as you take this trip.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 -Nov. 21) – You have been nonstop partying since Halloween, and you don’t intend to stop anytime soon, especially with Mardi Gras so early this year. The good news is you’ll have a lot of fun. The bad news is once you do stop, you’ll discover you have tonsillitis and a rare STD that hasn’t actually been discovered yet. Your same-sex best friend has a crush on you.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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