Dr. Zodiac

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb.18) – You will get invited to the wedding of two of your favorite people. Because they are so important to you, you really need to get them a good gift. I suggest it be an exotic bird of some sort. A peacock would be your best bet, obviously, but if that’s not an option a pack of flamingos will do. Clearly, don’t get an ostrich, those things are scary as hell. Depending upon where they live, a penguin might be a viable option. See, you’re life just got ten times more exciting thinking about which bird to get, right?

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Your cat will start misbehaving in some serious ways. Litter box? Forget that, this pile of folded laundry looks like a much better place to go. You need to get a grip on this problem now before you become that crazy person who smells like cat piss and constantly talks about how angry they are at Fluffy and Mittens.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)- Every time anybody’s seen you in the past few weeks, you’ve been stuffing a moonpie down your throat. It’s starting to show. The good news is that you will offered to be the spokesperson for Huskeroos. The bad news is you’ll lose your job at Sammy’s. I think it’s about time for a career change, so eat up. Indulge in some funnel cake, king cake and those sketchy brown-bag peanuts. And, of course, a serious amount of beer.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – You consider yourself to be a successful person, and I do too. However, just to warn you I’m pretty lenient on how I judge my successes. Having a closet full of designer clothes doesn’t necessarily mean you’re rich. Having a degree doesn’t necessarily mean you’re smart. Going out partying all the time doesn’t necessarily mean you’re fun, and hooking up with members of local bands doesn’t automatically make you a VIP. And just because people are staring at you does not mean you are good-looking. But, who am I to tell you what to do? You just keep on thinking and doing whatever you want.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – You will spend a lot of time trying to plan a birthday party for your best friend, but they just won’t cooperate at all. They won’t tell you what they want to do and last minute will end up going out with their elusive, uber-sketchy friends and not even showing up for the party you planned for them. Don’t get upset about it, just find a new best friend. And while you’re at it, you should probably look for a new apartment too. Because said best friend has no problem ditching you but does not appreciate getting the brush-off when it happens to them.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)- Your friends will find you at the end of Mardi Gras day barefoot and covered in some sort of brown goo. The sad thing is they won’t be surprised. You will also be lugging a bag filled with orange moonpies and those skanky Mardi Gras panties. And, of course, an almost empty bottle of Jack Daniels. Once again, no one will be remotely surprised. Maybe you should shock everybody and actually behave yourself this year. No, that’s not necessary. You’re bad, but at least you’re fun.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) – You will start finding playing cards on the ground everywhere you go. Pick them up and start collecting them. It won’t be long before you have a full deck. You will notice that they are actually all from the same deck because every single one has a different picture of David Hasslehoff on the back. This I cannot explain, but surely it’s gotta mean something fabulous.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Some old pictures of you will resurface. You should go back to that look and that attitude. It was a much simpler time in your life, when all you had to worry about was where you were going to get your next drink. Park your car for a week and only ride your bike as an experiment to see how far you’ll get. This is a metaphor for how far you’re going to go in life, so you better push it.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – It’s time to step up your game in terms of your dancing moves. You’ve been hitting the Mardi Gras ball circuit like it’s your job. (Well, technically it is your job since you’re unemployed.) This is a fair warning that at the next one you go to, there WILL be a dance off. Try out the showerhead move. It sounds lame, but it will really turn heads. And of course you can always rock the take-it-off-the-shelf-and-put-it-in-the-cart. If all else fails, just pop and lock.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 -Nov. 21) – You’ve been quite the hot mess lately, but at this time of year it’s totally excusable. I’m just worried about what’s going to happen when you can’t use the holidays and Mardi Gras as your reason for boozing all day long on into the night, waking up still drunk and doing it again. I’m also worried about your liver. However, if you’re willing to stop playing the blame game and just admit you’re an alc, then you will be granted good health despite your destructive ways.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – You seem to have ruined a couple of pairs of shoes lately with all the rain and just the general nastiness of the places you’ve been going. Time to switch up your footwear. Start wearing galoshes for every occasion, rain or shine. It’ll become what you’re known for. Which could turn out to be a hell of a lot better than what you used to be known for, if you get my drift. Dressing in costume is never a bad idea and I suggest you might as well start doing it, too.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – You will find yourself completely bogged down with work this week. After reading in the news that a mail truck headed for New Orleans mysteriously caught on fire last week, you will begin to wonder why other things can’t mysteriously catch or fire. Or at least go through the paper shredder. Just a thought, you don’t have to act on it. Valentine’s Day is coming up. Take these famous words of wisdom: Don’t believe the florist when he tells you that the roses are free.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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