Dr. Zodiac

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb.18) – “If you can’t remember it, it didn’t happen” is your theme. Unfortuntaely for you, other people do. You will eat too much chili at Chili Cook-off and then spend way too much time in the bathroom at Heroes. Better grab a book of matches. Your lucky color is magenta.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – It was harder for you to get over Mardi Gras this year than usual. This will carry through the following weeks as you continue to pick things up off the ground and eat them. You also will become uncontrollably irate with strangers who don’t throw worthless crap at you. Valentine’s Day can be abbreviated V.D. for a reason. Watch out!

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Efforts to pick up a prostitute go awry when some nosy cop gets in the way. But don’t go changing your plans just because the entire community thinks you’re scum, including your entire family. Hold your head high and continue to show your face in public. In fact, you might even consider a run for public office. You’d at least get the coveted hooker vote. A friend plans to steal your underwear.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Mobile’s annual Chili Cookoff draws near, so it’s probably time for you to have that little talk with yourself again. No one wants a replay of two years ago when you ate 25 different types of chili and drank 15 beers. Parts of Bienville Square couldn’t be opened to the public for weeks afterward. Remember, moderation in all things. No more than 20 chilis and 12 beers, please. A massive crush on a co-worker results in lots of creepy hanging out near the bathroom. Stop.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Your spouse will take time in the coming days to inform you in no uncertain terms that you have indeed become nearly intolerable. Rather than getting angry, you should embrace this knowledge. Being nearly intolerable can be helpful as long as you don’t care what others think. Just think of the great service you’ll get at restaurants, as long as people don’t spit in your food. A new haircut brings unwanted comparisons to Bob Riley.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)- You’re super fired up about the University of South Alabama getting a football team, and will put your fired-up-ness to work in the coming weeks. In a drunken moment, you’ll have whiskers tattooed on your face, and jaguar spots tattooed on your neck, in support of the team. The move will work for you, as the school will allow you to become the new football mascot. You’ll be given a fifth of Jack Daniels and wheeled to the sidelines in a cage for each home game.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) – Your secret Valentine’s Day crush needs a bold gesture from you, if you ever hope to get busy. As Dr. Z is well schooled in the ways of love, I will offer a sure-fire way to get your crush’s attention – shoe polish your would-be lover’s name with a big heart around it on the back window of your car or truck. Drive around your crush’s neighborhood or work parking lot and wait for a big kiss.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – You’re spending too much time obsessed with your nipples. Others aren’t nearly as interested in them as you think. If anything would give anyone pause, it’s the presence of the third one on your back that’s a bit creepy, but it’s not really that noticeable. Your repeated sexual dreams featuring Hillary Clinton grinding her high-heel shoe into a very sensitive part of your anatomy means you need clinical help.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – People are still talking about your highly sacreligeous “Ash Wednesday” rite at a local watering hole last week. Making crosses on your fellow drunks’ heads with cigarette ashes probably would be frowned upon by the Vatican. In fact, word has gotten back to your parish priest. Expect a stern look next time you attend mass. A co-worker is thinking of “keying” your car because you keep winning monthly bonuses. Keep a sharp eye.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 -Nov. 21) – Your excitement over ‘Bama’s recruiting class this year is tempered by the continued realization that Bear Bryant is still dead. For some reason you just can’t get over it. It’s a good thing you design the front page of the Mobile Press-Register and can put the Bear’s picture on it at least twice a week. If you’re looking for an increase in your salary, posting naked pictures of yourself in the boss’ bathroom might work. Who knows, your next job could pay more.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – The Daphne City Council’s failure to pass a smoking ban in city businesses is a bitter setback for you. This totally ruins your plan to drive around town in a big bus stocked with miniature bottles of liquor, so people could smoke and drink in a vehicle instead of a bar. Now it’s back to square one. Perhaps the bus could be turned into a rolling cathouse full of drunken sailors and Congressional candidates. Perhaps. Two words – breath fresheners.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Hope may be fading on your attempts to get the folks from “Extreme Makeover: Home edition” to rip down your shabby shack and rebuild it. Though your house is certainly run down and you have several children, so many of them are currently wards of the state, it’s unlikely anyone at ABC is going to have much interest in you. Plus all the stalker-ish letters you sent to Ty Pennington also may have them on edge.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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