Dr. Zodiac

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Sugarcakes, the lingering girlfriend you picked up on Fat Tuesday, will embarrass you at a family gathering with her “Ride me like a float” t-shirt. But even that is tame compared to the lurid details she gives your nieces and nephews about the time she spent in prison. You should consider dumping her now if you don’t want to be left out of grandma’s will.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – You will have an encounter with an evil bikini waxer from your past while on an exhausting search for a new hairdresser. However, you have nothing to fear. She does a fine job on your hair as long as she stays above the neck. Look out for blue Vespas this month as they will bring you luck and prosperity.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – You’ve been lonely these past few months, but find companionship with an old sea captain you met at the Mobile Boat Show. You’ve finally found a friend whose profanities are cruder than your own. Beware of stiffing your waitress at your regular lunch spot. That new twist on the flavor of your gumbo might be more than just a new recipe.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – You thought you had grown past your childhood crush on Bob Grip. However, after watching a recent news broadcast you discover that he still makes you weak in the knees. Your best bet at gaining his affection is to make some news yourself. Streaking at the next city council meeting may be a good place to start.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)- As your birthday approaches you feel the onset of a mid-life crisis. Give in to the compulsion to buy an Aston Martin, but ignore the urge to seduce a sexy teenager. You’ll only end up on the Mobile edition of “To Catch a Predator.” Your power animal is the unicorn.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) – You seem to have ostracized your friends and family with your violent mood swings. At first the alone time was a pleasant change, but now you’re in danger of becoming a crazy cat lady. Dr. Zodiac advises you to find good homes for Fluffy and Mr. Jingles and to apologize to your spouse for throwing the phonebook at his head.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – At first you were happy about the end of the WGA strike, but now you’ve fallen into a deep state of depression because “Bionic Woman” will not be returning to the air. Rather than numb the pain by downing a six-pack every night get a hobby. You may find that stamp or coin collecting are more entertaining than watching Michelle Ryan’s attempts at acting.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Despite your Lenten promise to abstain from alcohol you will most certainly relapse into your drunken ways before Easter. Just be careful as you stumble out of the bars at Florida and Emogene Streets. You might fall in to the gaping hole that is the Florida Street drainage project. Your luckiest day of the week is Thursday.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 -Nov. 21) – You discover that your seemingly innocuous neighbor has a crush on you that gives new meaning to the term “stalking”. You only learn this after you have to rescue him from the depths of your garbage can where he was rummaging through your used coffee filters and empty aluminum cans. Now you know why all your socks have been disappearing. Your celebrity twin is Britney Spears.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – You get a giant boost to your ego when you learn that you are up for a promotion at your job. However, the feeling doesn’t last long. Your premature celebration at The Whiskey makes you the talk of the town and you land in Boozie’s column. Unfortunately for you your boss is an avid reader and didn’t appreciate your drunken caricature of his wife. Looks like it’s back to your cubicle.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – You sought help for your sexual fantasies about Hillary Clinton and it seemed to have worked for a while. This week, however, it’s Ron Paul who pervades your dreams wearing stilettos. It seems as though your inner psyche is making your political decisions for you this year. Don’t leave home without a chain of clover to ward off evil leprechauns.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb.18) – At the next group meeting you attend, avoid sitting next to the short, balding guy in the sports coat. Your attempt at polite indifference to his very loud flatulence will lead others to believe was you, and will turn you into a social pariah. Your lucky numbers are 666. (No, really!) Don’t tell anyone, as this will also lead to your social alienation.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

Archives