By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

The following is an interview I conducted with my personal psychic adviser, Nostrildumas “The Man Who Nose The Future.” I frequently turn to Nostrildumas when I need advice about the future, and other than the time he told me to hang on to all my Internet stocks, he’s been eerily accurate. And at $10.99 a minute he should be.

I called Nostril because like most of us in these parts, I’m excited about the amazing financial roll this city is on and I want to know how I can cash in, among other things. As usual, Nostril was rather forthcoming, although he can sometimes speak in riddles that need a bit of deciphering – a holdover from too many acid trips while in psychic college.

I hope you’ll find his answers revealing. On to the interview:

RH: Oh great seer Nostrildumas, Mobile is really kicking it right now. We’ve got The Tissen-Krump, as our elected officials refer to it, coming in, Austal’s building all sorts of ships and now we’re going to be building jets. It’s a pretty exciting time to be in the (Air) Port City. Is our excitement justified, or are we getting jerked around?

N: My god that was a long question! Try to keep it brief, my attention span isn’t what it used to be. But to answer your question in a word or three, yes, you can be excited. Your town will be as fatted as the jackal after the lion has passed through the plains while the hunter sleeps.

RH: What the…?

N: Good times are coming.

RH: Well a lot of people want to know if this is going to significantly change our sleepy little town and how?

N: When the great seal is broken, expect ones who speak in strange tongues to appear, as well as those who have seen the snows melt like the toppings of a Philly cheesesteak sandwich.

RH: What?

N: There are going to be a lot of French, Germans and Mexicans coming to town, as well as Yankees who need jobs.

RH: OK, but how are things going to change?

N: The ones who once ruled will now have new rulers and tears will be wept in the halls of power as the sun becomes dark as sackcloth stained with the blood of seven times seven ravens.

RH: What?

N: The folks who’ve been calling the shots for the last 50 years aren’t going to be as important anymore. There are some new sheriff’s coming to town.

RH: What about the sun becoming dark with bird blood, or whatever you said.

N: Meaningless. I just had a flashback.

RH: So will these new people like Mobile, or will they want to change everything?

N: It will be as if the wind was brought forth from a dryer sheet as large as the eagle that pecked at Prometheus’ liver through the ages.

RH: What?

N: They’ll bring a fresh perspective on the positive side. Yes, there’s going to be some complaining about you not doing things the way they do them back in WeeWaw, Wisconsin, but in general an influx of new ideas and new blood is going to be good for the city. These people are going to demand better schools, they’re going to be willing to pay more for their homes and they’re going to want good grocery stores and places to shop.

RH: Wow, it sounds great, but there’s got to be some downside. Where’s the rub?

N: The great beast will writhe as its very veins and arteries become clogged like a toilet at a Metallica concert, and the rain will fall on the people as they cry out for shelter while the spittle of a thousand sea urchins swirls, foaming and angry as an old man at the DMV.

RH: What?

N: Traffic’s going to get pretty bad if you don’t take care of your roadways, and housing will definitely become an issue. You’re going to need more places for people to live.

RH: What about all that sea urchin spit and the angry geezer?

N: Flashback.

RH: OK. We’re all a little nervous about all the complaining going on in Washington, DC about a “foreign company” getting this big tanker contract. It would be such a cruel trick if something happened that screwed us out of the deal. You see that going anywhere?

N: It will be as if a thousand fleas have jumped from the passing jackass onto the great elephant’s back.

RH: What?

N: It’s going to be irritating, but that’s about it. In the end the better plane won and those jerks know it. This thing about it sending jobs overseas is a highly false argument, in that it hides the fact Boeing would have outsourced plenty of work overseas too, and losing this contract isn’t going to cost them a single job. In fact, Northrop/EADS getting the contract actually creates more American jobs than Boeing getting it. All the politicians bumping their gums are just trying to sound tough. Don’t forget, this is an election year.

RH: So five years from now, what will be the biggest changes we’ll notice?

N: The bazaar will bulge with the fatted goose’s pancreas, the people will dance as the town square is filled with the sounds of golden trumpets playing “Inn a Godda Davida” trying to drown out the fierce howls of the wolverine eating pizza that has just come out of the oven.

RH: What?

N: The Winn-Dixie near downtown won’t suck anymore, and downtown will be a thriving, happening place with lots of retail, restaurants and arts.

RH: Was the other stuff a flashback?

N: Not exactly. I’ve been sniffing glue during this whole conversation. I think it just means I’m hungry for pizza.

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Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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