Dr. Zodiac

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)- The new HBO series “John Adams” has you in a Colonial mood. Wearing vermin-infested powdered wigs and breeches isn’t likely to become a trend again despite your insistence on sporting the Revolutionary-era wardrobe at all times. Luckily, you’ve already got a head start on things, what with your complete lack of dental hygiene and refusal to bathe for the last four months. Good luck with the bloodletting clinic.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – You’ve had enough of the airplane animus coming from Seattle and decided to take matters into your own hands. You burn your old Soundgarden albums, boycott Starbucks and stop eating salmon. When you discover Seattle has more residents with advanced college degrees and more locally-published periodicals than any other American city, you drop out of school and give up reading altogether. Smart move.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Despite your letters telling former-Governor-turned-convict Don Siegelman as an Azalea City native he was just carrying on a time-honored tradition of crooked Mobile politicians, his spirits flag. Your offer at a conjugal visit goes awry when your thong gets caught on a prison guard’s revolver sparking some accidental gunfire. Dominos fall, a riot ensues and now you’re the most popular gal on Cellblock C. Now if you could just pick your value up from a rusted shiv and three cigarette butts.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)-

Your idea of starting transportation service at regional music festivals goes to pot when you decide to make it Earth-friendly by advertising rickshaw made of hemp. Things go to pot when the “old school” Bonnaroo-ians burn your two-wheelers in an attempt to add a little “nostalgia” to their festival experience. Now if you could just get rid of the damn drum circle around the flaming wreckage…

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) – You can probably tell spring is here. There’s pollen on your hood but some extra bounce in your trunk. Time to shape up, drop the Easter Tootsies and shed the rolls. Those Peeps went straight to your keyster. Better than the unforeseen results of chowing down on all those hard-boiled eggs. At least you could blame that smell on old Aunt Pearl.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Don’t be alarmed. All that drinking and foul talk at your office is no as uncommon as you think. Cursing in the office increases camaraderie as a defense mechanism against possible lawsuits. But the change in seasons also increases other behavior. The strange guy in the cubicle next to you marking his territory is bad enough, but if he would put his pants back on, it would be better.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Success is in your future. Roulette red is the color of the month. The bumper sticker on your car may say, “My Rolls Royce is up my nose,” however hold off on spending that extra money on that “Lady.” Go west young man and take your paycheck to the boats.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 -Nov. 21) – It is time for you to look yourself in the mirror. Yes, those lines on your face are real. Think the lines on the mirror had anything to do with it? “All signs point to yes.” Maybe some SPF400 would be in order for the summer. Or maybe you could crash one of those Botox soirees that are the new version of Tupperware parties.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – This will be the best year of your life! Your spouse will suddenly regain that college-era “bod” and the kids start to behave. A great new promotion is topped by an offer of a lucrative new job. The house of your dreams suddenly becomes available at lower than market price. Your parents tell you they are proud of all you’ve accomplished and will be moving to Hawaii in the future. April Fools, loser!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) -

You’re being hard-headed with a spouse or co-worker about an unwanted pet. Don’t give up as that nasty creature will definitely give you rabies and ringworm. Hold your ground and the flea repellant. You will eventually run off that critter! But enough about the co-worker, the new stray cat is catching all the rats you need for your “experiments.”

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb.18) – Gas prices are forcing you to look at alternate forms of transportation. Stay away from oxen and mules and stick with horses for now. You also might want to stock up on hay and a pitchfork to toss the byproduct of the hay munching. At least you can save on fertilizer for your “recession garden.” Come to think of it, maybe you should just can the horse idea, nail a seat on the kid’s skateboard and hook Fido up. Mush!

PISCES (Feb. 19 -March 20) The “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” mania gives you renovation fever. You knock down a couple of walls, replace the windows and redesign the front yard. Too bad you forgot door locks, didn’t seal the windows or use a real brick mason. The burglary, water damage and crumbling walls aren’t as bad as how your neighbor will feel when he returns from vacation and gets look at your “charity work” on his house. Call an attorney.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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