Dr. Zodiac

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)- You’re spending so much time being furious about Boeing protesting the big tanker deal, that you’re forgetting to spend some time getting some lovin’. Dr. Z recommends lots of lovin’ for you in the coming weeks, otherwise you might get all crazy and run over someone or otherwise act a fool. The stars say you will win big in a charity drawdown, but become too drunk to figure out you actually won.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – A very filthy, tattered cat will enter your life and you will fall in love with it, bringing the pitiful animal such treats as Turkey Tetrazini moist cat food. All will be fine until you accidentally eat a spoonful of wet cat food one morning while hung over. Suddenly that nasty cat won’t seem like such a godsend. And here’s a kicker, he’s got ringworm! Better get some Blue Star Ointment, ace!

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Cosmic clogging will result in the post office becoming a nexus of horror and plague of long lines next week. A particularly slothful employee will gum up the works like nothing you’ve ever seen. A 90-year-old Alzheimer’s patient could work rings around this guy and would make more sense when he talked. Take your blood pressure medication and take deep breaths. And leave the firearms at home! Someone will lick your silverware at a restaurant before you use it next Wednesday.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)- Well crawfish season is upon us, which means you have a new half-ass reason for going out every night and getting tanked. “Oh, Boo’s has crawfish!” sounds great, but just going down the list and eating mudbugs every night could have a detrimental effect on your career. Number one, you’re going to smell like a crawfish after a few days of this, and not a freshly boiled one, either! Cut back when people start calling you “Stinky.”

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) – A new job is calling, and it looks pretty darn good. In the next couple of days you’ll get the offer you’ve always dreamed of, which means one thing – quitting your old job in spectacular fashion. You’ll start your departure by doing something quite awful to the communal coffee pot, just to get even with everyone for treating you like crap all these years. The day will end with Mobile Police escorting you to the front door of the office, boss’ toupe still in hand. You’ll be a legend.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Like most people who noticed School Board President Fleet Belle hasn’t paid his property taxes, you were incensed. Unlike the rest of the clods, you take pity on Rev. Belle and decide to do something to help him. For the next several weeks you’ll attend his church and loudly shout “Pay Your Taxes!” every time he finishes a sermon. The desired effect will be achieved. An old lover shows up unannounced and wants to get it on. There’s nothing good on TV, so you do.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – You’ve been seething because some moron shouted “Freebird” at the Jackson Browne show at the Saenger Theater. For some reason it really bothers you that Jackson might think Mobile is home to the type of idiots who still think it’s even remotely funny or ingenious to yell “Freebird” at any musician. Get off your high horse! Mobile IS full of idiots who do that all the time. Next time just beat them to the punch and become the moron you once hated.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 -Nov. 21) – The person whose leg you were “accidentally” bumping against under the table at lunch the other day is totally on to you, perv. But if you’re lucky, the rubbee may soon become a rubber. Give your crush a chance to grope around on you under the table and see what happens. Work is improving. Your quarterly bonus this time will consist of something much better than a six pack of Coors and a pack of gum.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – That ridiculous cell phone commercial where the guy yells “Wizard!” and some dude in a bad beard materializes out of an air-brushed picture on the side of a van will start to make you homicidal. Calm down Lee Harvey! There’s not much you can do to stop this kind of idiocy. Killing wizards and cell phone users won’t make you feel better. Your list of favorite ice creams will be expanded in the coming days. Hint: it will involve almonds! How interesting!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – A recent e-mail depicting a bevy of not-so-nubile naked women wrapped in a Rebel flag has you contemplating the meaning of life. Surely if there are women willing to gather together to appear naked while wrapped in a Rebel flag, a whole underworld exists of which you have been blissfully unaware, until now. Don’t let your mind be blown by this redneck porn. Just know it’s out there and be careful. A creepy stranger will ask for money. Give it to him.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb.18) – Your attempts to break Wintzell’s record for raw oyster eating may be put on hold indefinitely when you hurl after 12 dozen during an upcoming “training” session. Be careful, your liver’s already had a pretty rough life. Don’t antagonize it with Hep C. Grab someone’s butt next week. Chances are pretty good you won’t get slapped or arrested. OK, actually the chances are only about 54 percent you won’t get slapped or arrested, but astrology’s not an exact science, so go for it.

PISCES (Feb. 19 -March 20) – You will receive a mysterious voice message instructing you to go to an old abandoned field where you will find clues to a treasure. When you get there, you will find a map buried in a box full of Legos. You will become distracted building a castle and you won’t notice when the map blows away. You will never find your treasure, but you will be inspired to leave your corporate job for construction.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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