Mobile Magnified

Well, the good times have already started rolling in the Port City, and I’ve been catching loads of beads, nasty panties and gossip that’s more decadent than a Double Decker banana moonpie.

So dig in, my pretties, but you may need to take a Zantac before devouring this dish.

Oh Deer!

Apparently the Iron Deer, the statue of a majestic iron buck that stands in Washington Square in the Oakleigh Garden District, is having sex. While no one has caught the creature in the act, passers-by noticed last Saturday that he was wearing a condom on his very life-like, anatomically correct “package.” Witnesses did not note brand or size. One can only guess.

Considering the deer lacks opposable thumbs, I feel it was probably difficult for the deer to get the wrapper open, especially if he was drunk, and there was no way he could have, um, put the glove on himself. So obviously, either his girl or boyfriend – it is Oakleigh after all – or perhaps just a prankster made sure the buck was practicing safe sex.

We’ll keep an eye on him, though. Considering he’s bolted to the ground, if he is getting it on, it’s definitely right in the middle of the square.

Bless their little hearts

As the Boozester here was surfing the Internet the other day, I went to nola.com, which is the site for New Orleans’ daily, The Times Picayune. For full disclosure, you should know the site and paper are owned by Newhouse, the same folks who own our Register and al.com. But anyway, I was looking at their Mardi Gras guide and in their FAQ section, the following question was posed to Jon Donley the editor of MardiGras.com (AKA Bourbocam’s Jester): “I hear the first Mardi Gras was actually in Mobile, Ala., what do you say?”

Mr. Donley responded, “I say Mobile is a nice clean little city with good fishing, great museums and interesting Civil War historical sites. Y’all come back now.”

“While this claim is an article of faith among Mobile natives, we can’t find that the city makes this claim. Neither does New Orleans. Both cities tap dance around the issue, because, in fact, both have some bragging rights. In fact, the founding fathers of modern Mardi Gras traditions did not see it as a competition between Mobile and New Orleans, but rather as a cooperative effort between buddies. Both cities have gone through periods when Mardi Gras almost died out, and each has been instrumental in exporting traditions to the other and keeping the fire going.

“Historically, the first recorded celebration of Mardi Gras in what is now the United States occurred in 1699, on a Mississippi River island just downstream from modern New Orleans. The French explorer who threw the party named the place Mardi Gras Island. He then moved upriver and staked out the site for modern New Orleans. Mobile skeptics say this celebration is disqualified since the city of New Orleans didn’t exist, except in the explorer’s dreams, but that sounds like sour grapes to us. Mobile’s first recorded celebration was in 1704…,” Donley explained.

Sour grapes? Please. If you didn’t exist, how you could you possibly claim this first celebration? I mean, I’m just saying. Sounds like someone is as bitter as dark chocolate, but it ain’t us, sweet “buddy.” We just tell it like it is. But considering what you’ve been through, we’re going to let it slide this year. But next season, the gloves are coming off, Mr. Donley!

Spot of Tea Wall of Marginal Fame goes high tech

Being a fan of bad, cheesy movies, I often enjoyed the Spot of Tea’s collection of autographed photos of D-listers, which the downtown eatery proudly displayed on the wall of their gift shop. But after they renovated the space into a Hallmark store, which is very cute by the way, they removed all the precious pictures of Bobcat Goldthwait, Victoria Jackson, David Brenner and David ‘Shark” Fralick, among others.

If you’re asking me who those people are, my answer to you is “Exactly.” Anyway, I was scared these photos had been put in a box and up on a shelf somewhere, but to my pleasant surprise, while eating there last week, I noticed a flat screen TV affixed to the wall in the dining room.

Flashing on the screen were all of my beloved pictures, as well as shots of all of the city councilmen and especially the ham of all media hams, County Commissioner Steve Nodine. “The Hammer,” as he calls himself, is pictured with the owner of the Spot, with his son and First Lady Laura Bush. Hammer is also in a golf cart with W, and then there is some weird profile shot that reminds me of a young Abe Simpson. These images are thrown in between pics of the city that are really lovely, which is good for our tourists.

But you really can’t take your eyes off the screen, so if you go in there for a meeting or something, you may want to turn your back to it.

Good Night, Sweet Troopers, Good Night.

It’s the end of an era! One of the biggest anchors in the Fruit Loop (as many of our gay and lesbian residents affectionately call the stretch of alternative lifestyle bars on Conti Street) is closing. Troopers, which opened in 1976, will say its final farewell on Fat Tuesday.

The owner of the building is not renewing their lease and plans to renovate and open a market in the space. I don’t think anyone will miss their restrooms, but they did have some of the best drag shows and oil wrestling in town. The owner does not plan to relocate the bar anywhere else at this time. So make sure to dance one last drunken jig in front of their wall of mirrors on Fat Tuesday!

Osiris celebrates silver

Speaking of da gay, the Order of Osiris, the gay and lesbian Mardi Gras association, which has become the hottest ball ticket in town, held their 25th anniversary gala on Saturday, Feb. 11 at the convention center. The sold out ball’s tableaux showcased the queens and kings (mostly queens) from all 25 years. Believe me, it’s the only call out in town you actually want to watch, as the decorations are fabulous.

Speaking of interesting things to watch, some of the city’s more famous drag queens were dressed to the nines and in attendance. “The Legendary Blond Bombshell,” Miss Cie, who regularly performs at B-Bobs, was donning a a gorgeous red wrap and a smart updo. Also in attendance, was the aptly-named Miss Rosaline Heights, who is known as “the largest drag queen in captivity,” and for good reason. Miss Heights was wearing a tight black dress and heels that must have made her (no exaggeration) 7 feet tall.

Also, many of my spies (AKA: catty gay men) also noted the exponential increase of “lipstick lesbians,” dressed in elegant ball gowns, escorted by what we will call “chapstick lesbians,” clad in tuxedos. The snatchy scenesters weren’t sure of the lipsticks’ orgins, but suspected importation.

Local swingers featured in ducumentary

One of our pervy spies has informed us that he is almost certain a local couple is featured in the documentary “Sex with Strangers,” which explores the lives of swingers and was the product of the makers of HBO’s popular “Taxi Cab Confessions” series. Although, the couple is only indentified as being from Alabama, our perv says there are numerous clues that all point to them being Port City swingers. Apparently, there are also folks from Biloxi featured as well. So add that one to your NetFlix; I know I have.

Maybe K Street can use DDs at parades

We hear Congressman Jo Bonner has joined a Mardi Gras society, which is one of the oldest, snootiest and of course lacks anyone with melanin in their skin, as most of them do. But whatever. We say let Jo ride. But just remember ladies, if you’re flashing their floats on Fat Tuesday, you could be showing your sin pillows to our Congressman.

Come to think of it, that may be a great new tactic for lobbyists who are trying to reach him. Just get some big boobied women and write whatever you want on each of their, um, canvases! After years of viewing these unfortunate boobs, most would probably do best to lobby for AARP. I love it! Somebody get K Street on the phone for me.

Just asking….

Which local politico recently had a shouting match with a female employee, which resulted in her resignation and a promise of a sexual harassment lawsuit? We’re just asking. We hear things. All kinds of thingy things.

Well, my pretties, that’s all for this issue. But next one will be jam packed with all of the Joe Cain and Fat Tuesday happenings. It should be oh- so-good. But remember whether it’s rain or shine, dramatic or scandalous, or just some plain ol’ Iron Deer lovin’, I will be there. Ciao!

Boozie Beer Nues is Lagniappe social butterfly. Contact her at boozie@lagniappemobile.com.

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