Dr. Zodiac

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Your recent tryst with ex-President Jimmy Carter while he was in town recently will soon bear fruit. In the coming days you’ll soon realize you’ve got a little “peanut” growing courtesy of the man from Plains, Georgia. Who knew Jimmy still had it in him? While you’ll be excited to bear the son of a former president, there are some concerns. Let me answer the most terrifying of them. Yes, the child will look and speak like President Carter. No, he won’t be fixated on peanuts. Watch out for Rosalyn, she’s mean as hell!

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – The high price of gas will have you contemplating the previously unthinkable – riding a bike to work. While Dr. Z is no environmentalist whacko, he does recognize plunking down nearly four bucks a gallon is going to make almost anyone want to get rid of the ol’ Hummer. Still, think twice before you actually mount the Schwinn and take to the roads. Remember, it does rain a lot around here, it’s hot as hell and there are a lot of drunk drivers in this burg. Watch it!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) – You’ve decided to make some money off the ThyssenKrupp Germans coming into town, and your plan is brilliant. Setting up a place to sell expensive chocolate and good beer right outside the plant’s gates is sure to make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. Beware, though. These Germans know their chocolate and beer. Don’t try to foist off some crappy Hershey’s kisses and Keystone Light, or you’ll be steamrolled. Also, the polka music is really unnecessary.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) -You’ll be disgusted in the coming days listening to a grown man talk about his solo trip to Thailand for three weeks. In a rage, you’ll dump a drink over this pervert’s head and scream, “What in God’s name does a man do by himself in Thailand for three weeks besides have sex with little boys!” You’ll feel pretty good about yourself until later when you think back and realize the man may have said he spent three weeks in Saraland, not Thailand. Ooops.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – A night of gambling in Biloxi will mean big changes for you. You’ll bet big on a royal flush and take home thousands. Of course, on the way home, you might decide to ditch your spouse and get a fancy new car, but that’s all good. However, the plastic surgery, enlargements and reductions might leave you changed in ways only Joan Rivers could understand. A friend will call with a strange request that involves Jell-O pudding pops and tequila. Should be fun.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – An internal audit at work has you sweating bullets. You’ve been stealing toilet paper for years and you’re sure it’s bound to come out. The problem isn’t that you’re too cheap to buy your own toilet paper, it’s that you like stealing things and it seems like the least harmful thing to steal. Fear not though. Just when it looks like the heat’s on, the freak in the next cubicle will take the rap for the TP theft after you leave a few rolls next to his desk. Good work.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – You’ll be mesmerized by a “In the Heat of the Night” marathon on WALA in the coming days. It’s not that you actually like the old Carroll O’Connor television show, it’s that you’re amazed anyone would still put it on the air. Face it, it’s one of the worst shows ever created, full of ridiculous stereotypes of Southerners and O’Connor’s horrible accent. Maybe a “Simon & Simon” marathon will cleanse your palate after this awful mess.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – When County Commissioner Mike Dean promised to “pave your private road,” you had no idea it was not only illegal for him to do so, but also a euphemism the commish likes to use for “getting it on.” You’ll find this out the hard way when he shows up at your front door wearing nothing more than a hardhat. Yikes! Give him a Li’l Debbie snackcake and tell him to move on. A night of drinking leaves you with someone’s phone number written on your butt. Don’t call the number.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – You’ve become hopelessly addicted to the band Nickelback. Fortunately for you, they’re played on just about every station in the Mobile area. Who knows, they might even be on country and hip-hop stations. Your friends can’t understand why you like them, but 2 billion listeners can’t be wrong. A zipper accident will leave a mark that’s difficult to explain to your spouse. Best to fake an accident in front of your lover rather than try to explain the odd-looking marks.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – A move to a new home comes with lots of baggage. Apparently all the new neighbors can’t wait to tell you about all the horrible things that happened in your house, including drug use, prostitution and gunplay. Make sure they know those things aren’t a thing of the past by throwing a giant party full of all three. It’ll shut them the hell up! Get your Celine Dion tickets as soon as possible. There’s a good chance you’ll have a brain tumor by then and her screeching will help kill the thing.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Your Memorial Day plans will go awry when your friends decide to do weird things wuith left-over rib bones. Don’t worry the ER doctor is capable of extraction. Eat turkey on Tuesdays for two weeks. It will make you slightly less interesting. A naughty dream about Mel Showers makes you feel dirty—in a good way.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Your financial difficulties may soon become fodder for local news outlets. When they call for interviews, face them and tell the truth, but please don’t show for the interview wearing a thousand-dollar suit with a three-foot-long hankie hanging out of the lapel. It doesn’t really project an image likely to engender sympathy. Oh, and you might try paying your taxes more than once every five years.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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