County View

It had all the makings of a yawning Bradypodidae sloth. A rescheduled Mobile county commission meeting. A sleepy Tuesday morn. Instead of prancing into chambers with greeting or smile, the regulars filed in almost defiantly.

I waved at Peter Albrecht but he looked as to say, “Why are you so cheerful?” Well, really he didn’t, but one can imagine. The kicker when I looked toward the stage of the three, the presidential throne vaccus. I kept thinking during the meeting Steve Nodine would appear late, but he was a no-show, casting gloom over proceedings.

Mike Dean sat head lowered, mumbled “second” a bunch of times, letting the world know his heart wasn’t in it today. Merceria Ludgood repeated “approve” in voce rote, unable to conceal her disappointment.

I discover Nodine is in Florida, drumming up support for the tanker contract, which may have been decided by press time and it had better be yes and not a resubmit or splitting of bid, otherwise I’ll be shacking up with Lagniappe D.C. correspondent Jeff Poor while I prepare to speak before Congress. In fact I’ve already written my speech in case the tanker contract is compromised. I imagine my first appearance before the legislature will go something like this:

Nancy Pelosi: “The United States Congress now recognizes the Gentleman from Alabama, herewith to speak upon Congressional Air Force Bill SR-234-HGR-ZXT-23TRRR-00000.9. Is the gentleman present?”

I rise, tucked in my new Paul Smith designer shirt, adjusted Versace necktie of course clearing throat – all done for effect, to throw off scent, for I was about to channel raging anger at their decision through a soft-spoken patois they would find both charming and ingratiating.

“The gentleman from Alabama hereby rises,” I grinned. I meant not to smile, but a born Alabamian cannot suppress what is innate to his being. Score one point against me for the enemy surely detected sheepishness in that grin, disarming me only momentarily.

Senator John McCain: “What has the Gentleman from Alabama to say?”

I started to tell him what the gentleman had to say was for him not to hold his breath for the Clinton supporters to defect just because Obama won the nomination. In voting booth they would do the right thing, could not live with themselves if they punched GOP instead of LIB. But instead I announced:

” I am reminded of a poem I wrote, some years ago vacationing on the Lakes of Satsuma, inspired by majestic oaks, chicken fried grits and yelping he-dogs on the scent of females’ aestus estrus .

I was there but my heart was in Mobile. I recite to you now:

Fois gras atop Battle House then Dauphine we laughed as moon dances morning sun

At Pat’s you slurped sloe gin fizz, I shots of pecan liqueur flushed with manly scotch

Scent of night blooming jasmine twirled honeysuckle, morning garbage trucks roared

as did we on streets of steamy Mobile while too many slept ignoring our celebration, life,

this union hollering in Bienville Square, cousins, kissing, star struck so deeply in love the world

must hear the world must know the world we love and celebrate – our surname same, these cousins we

in love on the bays of Mobile as Yankees would expect us.”

After thunderous applause I turned serious. “Where may I ask is Senator Obama?”

A tall, lanky figure rose from the congressional seats.

Senator Obama: “The gentleman from Illinois is here.”

Me: ”’Gentleman?’ Yeah, let’s talk about that. Listen up, I opened a Web site supporting you – busting butt to get people to shout out the vote for Bama, but what do you do in return?”

Senator Obama: “Is the gentleman from Bama being rhetorical?”

Me: “No he is not. You said you were against EADS getting the contract, that you thought Boeing should be awarded. What’s up with that?”

Senator Obama: “Uhh, well, uh, umm, uh – well I’ve since changed my mind. I don’t change my mind often – in fact this may be the first time ever, but after visiting Alabama recently I fell in love with Mobile – love the poem by the way – and I think now it is the only place in the world the final tanker product can be assembled. Let me just say this and everyone listen carefully: I will step down as the Democratic presidential nominee if the tanker contract decision does not stand on the original award: EADS/Airbus in France and final assembly in Mobile, Alabama!”

Nancy Pelosi banged her gavel so hard chips of wood sprayed the crowd, who on their feet moved toward me. It being my first appearance before Congress, I had no idea what they were doing, but now the edge of the maddening mob arrived, grabbed me as I had flashbacks of a scene from Tennessee William’s “Suddenly Last Summer,” when Elizabeth Taylor exclaims “He bores holes in their skull and operates on their brain!” I looked frantically around for Jeff Poor, but he was hob-knobbing with Rep. Jo Bonner and Sen. Jeff Sessions, probably happy to have me out of his posh D.C. penthouse.

Suddenly I was lifted onto the shoulders of Libertarian presidential nominee Bob “The Spoiler” Barr and GOP V.P. hopeful Condoleezza Rice, with Gov.Riley and Steve Nodine leading the crowd in “For he’s a jolly good fellow.” Then a voice so frightening, so commanding filled the room, overwhelming my celebration. Condi and Bob literally dropped me and scurried back to their seats as all eyes darted toward the earth-shaking voice.

It was Dub. In his shadow Karl Rove – the man behind all DC powerful, whispering gallantly what the president duly repeated.

W: “The last time I looked it was not January 20, 2009 so I am still the decider.”

You could hear a cricket chirp as I bit my tongue to keep from sassing back but was going to anyway when he winked at me and for the first time I noticed he had long, curly lashes.

W: “Laura and I have decided to let the contract stay in Mobile. In fact all future tanker contracts will go to Mobile. And now if you please, Laura is hosting a reception for the gent – what the heck – for Preston – in the Rose Garden. You are all in your wildest dreams invited to join us.”

Contact Preston Brady at preston@lagniappemobile.com.

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