Dr. Zodiac

Taurus: In-laws and TP crisis

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – While you were away at clown college, the rest of the world was making a sincere effort to rid the earth of your future fans. Disappointed and a bit of a revolutionary, you decide to instigate the biggest clown riot of all time. After the squeaky horns, big silly shoes and red foam noses settle you realize clowns always have and always will be a tad creepy and completely unnecessary. You will pick up a bad habit at the top of a snow capped mountain.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) – After reading horoscopes for as long as you can remember, one day, you decide these things never tell you anything important about yourself. You are naive and ill-informed. Your condition is the cause of a severe gap between you and the rest of the population. The saying “What goes around comes around” is proven untrue when your boomerang never returns. Count on this happening for the rest of your life.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Living a life rich in poop jokes will no longer be fulfilling when you lose the ability to move your bowels. In the search to find a cause, your nemesis will proclaim you’re a victim of irony, a more friendly acquaintance may refer to your situation as bad luck, but a more accurate diagnosis will be provided after you graduate from law school. Going to a far away land will improve your quality of life momentarily.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – You will re-evaluate last nights visit to the strip club when you realize you spent $1,000 more than you remember. When you call your friends to find out what happened they don’t recall you being there past ten. Truth be told, you woke up there that morning and you were nippled and dimed all night. A trip to Taco Bell will make you want to do the Macarena and wear cut-off jean shorts.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – Inventing a mechanism that stops gas from dripping from the nozzle after filling up your car will lead to immediate personal financial gain as gas stations everywhere purchase several because it’s the “green” thing to do. Unfortunately there’s a design flaw causing both the gas and subsequently your car to spontaneously catch fire. Fortunately, gas is either too expensive for most people to buy or non existent. Your lucky numbers are 87, 89 and super 93.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – That “simple” friend you had in college who tried to solve the rubix cube one rainy weekend will finally complete his mission seven years later. When they call you to inform you of the good news they will have two other surprising announcements A) they’re color blind, and B) not mentally retarded as you had previously suggested. Stay away from making value judgments and misspelling the word organism.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – You will be arrested for your fourth DUI by a cardboard police officer on one of Mobile’s main drags. Two months later, you will go to court, argue the arrest unsuccessfully and will be found guilty by a cardboard jury and arraigned by a cardboard judge. Lucky for you, after a week, you find out the prison and prison guards are cardboard too. You will escape, start a cardboard company and never find time to reflect upon on your seedy past. This is probably because you never dropped the soap. Paper cuts suck!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – A bloodline linking you with CNN news anchor” Nancy Grace will be revealed to you after subscribing to a genealogy Web site. You don’t cope with the news too well. Developing an interest in incredibly asinine perspectives on marginally serious events is just the beginning and immediate family will seek help when you begin asking questions like “Is this young, oxycontin addicted woman the next Britney Spears?” Your loved ones will give up on helping you when you continually interrupt them by repetitively shouting the same word and begin making completely unfounded generalizations.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Growing tired of check-out lines at Wal-Mart forces you to enter the 20-items or less line even though you’ve got well over 50 items. After waiting a half hour behind the guy with coupons that “beat” the “Wal-Mart deal” your cashier begins to count every item past the 20 mark. You will decide saving four bucks isn’t worth the trouble and flip the elderly greeter the bird on your way out. You will find a weekend trip to the local market liberating.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – During a “pot-party,” you are interrupted by police looking for a man with a gun. The cops decide it’ll be more fun to join the party than to arrest you for a misdemeanor possession charge. When you wake up from this ridiculous dream you find a uniformed man pointing a gun at you while you hold a bag of pot and a joint. Do not be discouraged, former Mobilian, Shane McBryde is now offering counciling for those dealing with reefer-related indictments. Make sure to hide your stash a little better next time or at least close your windows!

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – An uncomfortable experience involving in-laws and no toilet paper in the bathroom will lead to a disgraceful dinner. You could probably have reached under the cabinet, but it was nice of your spouse’s father to grab the TP for you. At the end of the night you and your significant other decide to establish some far-fetched emergency plan for situations like what just happened. You will be the butt of a sh*t-ton of jokes for the rest of your life.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) — The best day ever is in your immediate future. One hundred bucks will be waiting for you on your doorstep when you walk out the door, you’ll meet an attractive mate at the coffee shop on your way to work and you might want to look for that lost watch in the cabinet behind all your socks. At 12:01a.m you will get poked in the eye, discover a really painful cavity and develop a kidney stone. So much for optimism.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

Archives