Dr. Zodiac

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Your innocence attracts others — primarily bar flies at downtown watering holes. They love seeing if they can mooch drinks off of you with their hard-luck stories. Don’t be a rube. Certain people want to pry into your personal life. Leave some racy photos lying around and give them something to really talk about. Buy tighter underwear.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You’re very disappointed that school board member David Thomas is seeking a change of venue in his upcoming DUI trial because you thought it would be fun to show up at the trial, sit in the courtroom, and at the most inopportune moment, get up and offer Thomas a sip from your flask. What a hoot that would have been. An older gentleman thinks you look like FDR. Don’t argue. Just thank him.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

In order to accomplish the undoable, you must think the unthinkable. In order to think the unthinkable, you must attain the unattainable. And in order to attain the unattainable, you must do the undoable. And that’s where this whole thing starts over again. Maybe you shouldn’t try so hard. Friends with funny haircuts make you feel sooooo superior.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20)

People who truly care about you are not threatened by your extreme promiscuity. They realize you like to throw it around, so they continue to love you for who you are: someone with very loose morals. Christmas shopping gets off to an interesting start when you end up having to bite someone in order to get the last really nice tie for your dad. Don’t worry, by the time mall security arrives, you’ll be hiding in the changing room.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Someone in your family is plotting to buy you the ugliest piece of clothing you’ll ever see. The only way to stop this is to become a nudist. Prance around buck naked for the next couple of weeks and folks will get the hint that you’re done with clothes. Instead, you’ll get a lovely Manheim Steamroller CD of Christmas music. The day after Christmas, you can go back to your clothes. You’ll still have the music.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Your fake Christmas tree has some in your family secretly angry. There are those in your home who believe only a needle-dropping fir is the answer at Christmas. Of course, you haven’t helped by making your own tree. Pipe cleaners taped to a broomstick hardly make for a festive Yule season. At least go out in the yard and hack down a loblolly pine. Leave Santa something a little more racy than cookies this year. Rrrrrow!

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Your fear of getting the flu may actually be worse than getting sick. Washing your hands 25 times a day is making them chapped, not to mention people are talking about you at work. Constantly spraying disinfectant around the office, on your computer and on pens you borrow from others is also putting others off. Perhaps the worst is your insistence that others wear giant plastic bags before coming into your office.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Your ruse of hanging around near the base of the RSA Tower hoping something will fall off and hit you so you can file a huge lawsuit, will bear fruit. A worker’s lunchbox will plummet from the tower and clock you on the noggin, rendering you a lawsuit waiting to happen. Too bad your head will be caved in on one side and you’ll always have a strange fear of lunch. But you will get a few thousand bucks for your troubles.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Saddam Hussein’s defiant attitude has won you over. So taken are you by the former Iraqi strongman’s take-no-crap attitude during his trial, that you’ll vow to bring the same zest to your own life. Start by denouncing your boss at the next staff meeting. If it works for Saddam, it should work for you. Do NOT eat any more of that leftover turkey.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You’re doing most of your shopping online this year, but let’s not have a replay of what happened last year. Your loved ones did not enjoy all the porn your downloaded for them last year. Stay on Amazon.com and you should be OK. A band of Christmas carolers will cool your holiday spirit by stomping on your prized azaleas while singing “God Bless Ye Merry Gentlemen.”

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)

You’ll snap after hearing the Band Aid Christmas song for the 11,000th time this holiday season. Unfortunately, you’ll be in the middle of a crowded Wal-Mart when this happens. It will take 10 elderly “associates” to hurl you screaming and foaming at the mouth into the 10,000-acre parking lot. But you won’t get tossed until you’ve taken out at least two singing Christmas tree displays.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21)

The office “Dirty Santa” game will quite the topic of conversation after you misinterpret the “dirty” part of the game and wrap up a framed picture of your boss Photoshopped to appear that he likes to wear leather thong underwear. Perhaps they’ll have a better sense of humor about such things at your new place of employment. Just a word of warning, the classic poem does not say “the stockings were hung by the chimney with beer.” Fireplaces, alcohol and stockings don’t mix.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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