Dr. Zodiac

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – The town is abuzz with rumors that the reason you didn’t show up for the Garage’s Super Bowl party is that you wanted a 10-drink guarantee and they wouldn’t pony up. It looks bad, especially considering that you were the only former MVD (Most Viciously Drunk) to no-show. Put it all behind you by getting plastered during Mardi Gras and paying for most of your drinks. Watch it with the Moonpies, fatty.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – You’ve been thinking of trying to publish a series of pornographic drawings of the Prophet Mohammed you’ve been working on in your attic. Umm, you might want to rethink that, unless your house is fireproof. Maybe you should shelve that project and just start working on a series featuring Buddha wearing women’s underwear. Buddhists are a little less volatile. Cats fornicating on your porch will ruin your sleep next week.

ARIES (March 21- April 19) – You’re still trying to live down the Valentine’s Day dinner at Colonel Dixie that you sprang on your loved one. “Bite the One You Love” may be the Colonel’s motto, but there’s not likely to be any biting, nibbling or lovin’ around your house for the foreseeable future. Try making it up by microwaving some Lean Cuisines and pouring a couple of glasses of domestic beer. That’s romance!

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – The moon is in flux and the stars are also doing something quite unusual, which means things are going to get pretty tricky in your world! Keep a supply of super glue, condoms, Cajun seasoning, tire patches and fishing line handy at all times. Anything that can’t be handled with one of these will probably kill you anyway, so no sense wasting valuable Cajun spices.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Things are getting so desperate, you’ve decided to finally try an Internet dating service. Just don’t let your spouse find out about it! Ha, ha! Seriously though, Dr. Zodiac sees only pain and misery if you pursue this path, especially if your spouse finds out, or some of the folks you meet turn out to be homicidal maniacs. Take a cruise if you want to meet new people, or be murdered at sea.

CANCER (June 22- July 22) – While speeding next week, there’s a good chance you’ll be confronted by WPMI’s Brian Johnson jumping out from behind a bush, pointing a speed gun and hollering “Stop! You’re speeding!” Fight the urge to run over him. It’s what the station is hoping for -ratings and ridding themselves of Brian. Just shoot him the bird and stomp the gas pedal. And be thankful it wasn’t Darwin jumping out at you!

LEO (July 23- Aug. 22) – You’re the reason Hollywood keeps remaking old, bad movies – because idiots like you keep seeing them. Do us all a favor and fight the urge to see the new “Pink Panther” film. And stay away from the new “Posideon Adventure.” You’d like to think the term “Bootylicious” refers to you, but more likely it’s “Gut-tastic.” Time for some sit-ups.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – There’s bound to be plenty of time spent in jail during the coming weeks as your usual Mardi Gras behavior takes over. Public urination, pantslessness and fistfighting are only a few of the activities that bring you in contact with the law. Make the best of it and forge new friendships in jail. Who knows, some of your new “jail buddies” could keep you from getting raped or beaten bloody. But they’ll probably want to come visit after you get out, so use a fake name.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct.23) – While attending a Mardi Gras ball next week, you end up losing your date, your car and parts of your clothing. In other words, you have a great time! Some of your dance moves will actually be so outrageous that they’ll be banned next year. Especially the one involving the long strand of beads, an orange Moonpie and three doubloons. A young relative needs advice. Make sure someone in your family with some sense talks to the youth. Please don’t do it yourself.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – You are shy, forthcoming, inhibited and brazen, and you enjoy undressing in front of pictures of Martha Stewart and the Pope. Your love life could take a turn for the worse when you realize your mate left a month ago. Avoid heavy petting with someone named Courtney or Abelard, unless you have memorized the bus tables to Mexico.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – You are cuddlesome, flirtatious, amative and deeply religious. People admire you for your winsome ways, your enigmatic smile and your massive trust fund. You will meet a nervous, stoop-shouldered person on the 16th and fall deeply in love; they will then try to sell you a strange fish.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – A nature lover, you are fond of growing things, but are old enough to know better. You fear that people are whispering about you in Portuguese. Don’t go to bed wearing wet socks on the 17th. An old lover will reappear this month. You will be very happy together, until they borrow some money and accidentally burn your padded T-shirt.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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