Dr. Zodiac

Aries: VH1 ruins your dating life

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) – A relative needs your help, but it’s not going to be easy. Your brother is moving and needs somewhere for his very smelly, very loud basset hound to stay. You volunteer to release the dog in the woods near the interstate, but this offer is rejected and soon the hound is stinking up your back yard. Things will go from bad to worse when your brother drops off a pooper-scooper that looks big enough to pick up footballs. This does not bode well for your weekend.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Efforts to improve your life through the magic of herbal Indian medications will go horribly awry when you break out in head-to-toe hives after taking a few pills. If that isn’t enough, you’re starting a new job soon and your new co-workers might think you’re insane when you show up covered in a white, pasty salve. Look at the bright side, though, at least all the scratching will distract you from people staring at you.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Your fury with Boeing for screwing up the Northrop/EADS tanker deal coming to Mobile is getting a little out of hand. You’ll start spending your afternoons starring into the sky, waiting for jets to come over and flipping them off if they’re Boeing products. Please seek mental help when you start casually perusing the Internet for “Stinger” anti-aircraft missiles. If you really can’t get it out of your system, drive out to the airport and yell at the jets.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – The summer heat is getting to you. Just the other day you were sweating the second you walked out the door, and tomorrow you might actually begin melting when you are stopped by an old friend who wants to catch up on the sidewalk of an unshaded street. Of course your friend will be dressed in shorts and t-shirt while you’re wearing a work suit. Not fair. Consider rolling antiperspirant over every inch of your body. Try Old Spice.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – While on your company retreat you will find yourself in a breakout group that is attempting to streamline the company’s business model. On a dry erase board two categories exist, “Current Model” and “Future Model.” In an attempt to bring comic relief to a heated and very personal argument between a few of the six other people you’re working with, you decide to erase the two R’s and an E from the word “Current.” Not funny, pal. Some of the women are offended and it turns out firing you will accomplish their goals of streamlining. Your future as a championship Scrabble player is bright.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – While the race for Mobile County School Board has been rather uninteresting to you overall, it has brought to light a new style that has captured your imagination. In watching current board president Fleet Belle, you’ve become intrigued by the very long, colorful hankies he lets hang out of the breast pockets of his suits. Some of these babies are about two feet long. You’ll adopt this style in the next few weeks, which will draw strange looks from your friends. Let them gawk, your just marching to the beat of your own hankie.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – The success of 53-year-old Greg Norman at this year’s British Open will cause AARP’s membership to plummet in coming years due to the belief that old men can do anything people half their age can. Sparked by your father’s new adventurous spirit, and “If Greg can do it, I can too” attitude you will find yourself in a poorly built tandem skydiving harness and dropping quickly. Instead of a parachute, your pack contains a turkey sandwich. Seems senile old dad packed the wrong bag. Damn him.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – McCain or Obama? Obama or McCain? The choice is driving you crazy! But you’re not trying to choose which one you’d vote for, you’re trying to decide which one makes you angrier. Some days it’s Obama with the media licking his boots and his lack of serious credentials. Other days it’s McCain and his history as a bamboozler and his lousy temper. What to do? Perhaps there’s room in your heart to hate both of them. Hell, you might even have room to hate the Libertarian candidate too! Try it.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – You’ll find that VH1’s programming schedule has sucked you in for entirely too long when you begin going to speed dating parties with a baby pool full of baked beans, two toddler’s rattles and adult diapers. Demanding that other daters use these props to win your affection will actually go your way when you realize you’re visiting a brothel and losing $500 per “experience.” Make sure latex is very handy.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – The recent death of “Golden Girl” Estelle Getty has you down. She was your favorite, and now you’re left looking at that cow Bea Arthur or the 1,000-year-old Betty White. Why is it always the good ones who have to go early? First McClain Stevenson (Col Blake) and now Estelle. It’s just not fair. Do yourself a favor and stop watching TV. It’s only setting you up for heartbreak. Especially if you’re still watching reruns of “Matlock.”

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Motivated by the Nappies 2008 video on the Web site, you will begin riding your bike everywhere like “Earl,” a guy featured in the film. Your new interest will lead you to various bike related shops around Mobile such as Cadence 120 and Spoke and Trail. Everything is going great until one day, while pedaling to downtown Mobile, you make a curious stop at the Bike Shop. This discovery will lead a newly established criminal record for you.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – Buying the products that are so shamelessly sold on late night infomercials will affect you both negatively and positively in the coming days. On the up side, you will find yourself able to clean that water you spilled all over your desk with minimal effort due to the ShamWow. On the down side, you will become increasingly socially intolerable as you begin to communicate with others in the manner of that Oxi-clean guy. Failure looms when you attempt to repair a broken chandelier with that bulletproof putty stuff.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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