By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

My friend William Hinge Van Anterse III – Trey to his friends – was in a foul mood when I sat down next to him at the bar. He downed his tumbler full of Crown Royal and ordered another, instructing the bartender to give me “whatever sissy import beer he wants.” Then he began to mutter.

“Man, that guy’s got some nerve! I’ve never seen a public official so arrogant; he just does whatever he wants without even worrying about the voters. And he treats the law like Dick Cheney treats a hunting buddy,” Trey ranted.

“You talking about President Bush?” I guessed. Trey shot me a look. “Hell no!” he said.

“Roy Moore?” I guessed again.

“Don’t make me slap you,” Trey threatened.

“OK, who?”

“Man, I’m talking about DUI Dave Thomas,” he said. “You know, the high-and-mighty untouchable king of the school board.”

“I should have guessed,” I replied. “You don’t like David Thomas? Why? He seems like a pretty personable guy when he’s not running over some kid at a Mardi Gras parade. Har, har!”

“Yeah, that’s real funny,” Trey said. “I guess you’d think it was hilarious if David Thomas ran over your kid Agamemnon.”

“Ulysses.”

“Whatever. I knew it was something weird. That boy’s gonna kick your ass when he’s 15, by the way,” Trey said, shooting his Crown and motioning for another. “Yeah, ol’ David Thomas can get drunker’n Cooter Brown and drive over some little girl’s foot and nothing happens to him. It’s not fair.”

“Trey, you don’t know that nothing is going to happen. So what if he’s gone a whole year without going to trial. So what if he’s gotten a change of venue to Birmingham. So what if the last time he was arrested for drunk driving he got off with a small fine and had his record expunged. A lot of people around here could say the same. In fact, YOU could say the same! Didn’t your daddy pull some strings last time you got nabbed?”

“Man, that’s different! I’m not an elected official in charge of educating people’s kids. Besides, I wasn’t drunk, I was on allergy medicine when I got arrested,” Trey said.

“I don’t get why you’re so fired up about this,” I said. “David Thomas has been trying to weasel out of that DUI for a year now. Everybody knows the fix is in. He’ll go up to Birmingham and get the whole thing tossed by some judge who won’t have to answer for it down here. It’s a nice bit of political hopscotch, if you ask me.”

“Well I suppose you think David Thomas’ latest move to arm-twist a bunch of high school principals into making their bands march in the MAMGA parade was a slick move, too?” Trey asked.

“I can’t imagine the principals would force kids to lug tubas and drums and piccolos an extra mile just because David Thomas told them to,” I said. “There’s got to be more to it. Maybe it’s part of the President’s Challenge physical fitness test.”

“Yeah, or maybe David Thomas just threw his weight around and threatened the principals in some way or another – probably funding or promotions – if the kids didn’t march. One minute the bands aren’t marching because the directors say it’s too far, then former MAMGA member David Thomas sends out a magic fax summoning them to a mandatory meeting, and – Shazam! – suddenly carrying a French horn four miles isn’t so bad after all,” Trey said.

“Surely Superintendent Harold Dodge signed off on the arm twisting,” I said.

“Nope, he wasn’t even invited to Thomas’ little meeting,” Trey said. “The school board king doesn’t need permission. Just like he doesn’t even have to abide by normal travel spending when he goes to a conference. I read in the REAL newspaper the other day that David Thomas spent $242 a night to stay in a two-bedroom condo in Gulf Shores in 2004, and almost $800 to stay at the Ritz-Carlton in Atlanta.”

“I’m sure David had his reasons,” I said. “He probably needs a really nice bathroom, extra soft towels and a really big bed for medical or religious reasons. You’ve seen David, he’s kind of fancy, you know.”

” Or maybe he needed an extra soft bed to pass out in,” Trey said.

“That seems a bit unfair, Trey. I’m sure David Thomas would like to be able to pass out in a Holiday Inn Express bed, but maybe he’s got sensitive skin,” I said. “Besides, isn’t it better for him to pass out at the Ritz than in his Land Rover?”

“What’s unfair is that this guy is still a school board member. Almost anyone else would have resigned in shame by now, but he’s running around acting like a victim and trying to dodge any responsibility. He cries racism when things get too tough, but he’s the one trying to play the race game,” Trey said.

“How do you figure that?” I asked.

“David Thomas seems to think because he’s the school board member from a majority black district that he can do whatever he wants and he’ll be re-elected. He’s taking everyone and everything for granted,” Trey said. “But I will give him credit for being a great educator.”

“Well, at least you can find one positive thing about poor, mistreated David,” I said.

“Yeah,” Trey continued, “He’s teaching the kids all about the benefits of working the system, dodging accountability and abusing power. I hope they’re paying attention, because they’re learning from a master.

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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