Dr. Zodiac

Aries: F-ed from birth

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Excited at the prospect of another Great Depressionesque era, you will begin buying stock in companies that manufacture broomsticks, doo rags, Beanie Weanie’s and ramen noodles. It will become apparent that your investments were a tad shortsighted when millions of newly poverty stricken people begin wearing used tuxedos and replenishing their hunger by drinking gasoline from the cars they can’t afford to insure anymore. Don’t fret pal! You can build an awesome fort with all the useless stuff you now own. Now, if you could only find a way to finance a 4,000-square-foot fort.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 -Nov. 21) – While everyone knows Kid Rock totally looks like a catfish, you still respect the fact that he was able to hook up with Pam and produce so many mediocre records over the past few years. Inspired by this particular specimen of Detroit redneck, you decide to get a makeover to look more like your favorite animal. Turns out, prospective mates don’t dig the French poodle look and you shaved a little too close in some areas. Have a pancake breakfast tomorrow and everything will get better!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Dr. Zodiac doesn’t see much good in your present state or immediate future. Although it seems entirely unreasonable and almost impossible considering the current condition of it all, things will get worse. Sleep with one eye open. Don’t turn your back on anyone. If you can, try to acquire a battering ram with explosive discharge capabilities. If you don’t, you might have an explosive discharge problem of your own when you run into an old foe in about a week.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – A mild case of BayFest food withdrawals will lead you to a store specializing in the sale of corn dog fryers and funnel cake makers. While the pungent smell of corn dog grease seeping through your pores doesn’t impress your friends, you’ll find many a rotund individual competing for you affections. Avoid the ones with powdered sugar on their noses. The stars say you’ll be offered a contract from Subway to become the next generation Jarred if you play your cards right.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb.18) – The MLB will begin forcing the winning team to pitch a cocktail dress-adorned Paris Hilton beginning in the 7th inning of every playoff game in order to capture the attention of more television fans. You’ll notice this is a bad strategy when news breaks that Miss Hilton’s travel bill is dwarfed by her STD medication bill. Even worse, baseball will see only a small ratings spike as a result of the NFL forcing a newly outed Clay Aiken to receive the opening kick-off of all the Monday Night Football games. Dr. Zodiac doesn’t think Paris and Clay will mind the excessive amounts of big and sometimes oddly shaped balls flying at them.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Steering your car into other cars at high speed will become popular in the coming days. This trend, while expensive, you’ll find is fairly enjoyable only when your blood alcohol level is over four times the legal limit. Other things that are enjoyable only at this level of inebriation: judging contestants on “America’s Got Talent,” chugging a gallon of milk, calisthenics and painting a room in your house black.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – You’ve been unable to come up with an original Halloween costume the past couple years, but this is the year to break that streak. While the condom dispenser costume you’ve been thinking about buying is tempting and useful to others, you’re going to want to go with the “No Pants Person” outfit. You aren’t going to appreciate the fact that someone removed the flesh colored tights from all the costumes at first, but as long as you stay away from giving out candy it’ll be a generally successful Halloween.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – The stars say a chance encounter with an authentic red-headed stepchild will fall short of being an enlightening experience for you. While talking with the child, he’ll tell you numerous tales of the neglect he has suffered for so many years. In the middle of promising to help this pathetic freckled freak you’ll remember that you forgot your sunglasses at home, swiftly push him into traffic and get on with your day. Some people are just F-ed from birth.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Your carefree take on life will become history when you stop drinking. Your new sober, concern-filled lifestyle seems to be more productive, but that’s just a farce. People are avoiding you at any cost and you must do something quick. Go to the store, buy as much beer as you can and begin making your friends like you again.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)- Your carefree take on life will become history when you stop drinking. Your new sober, concern-filled lifestyle seems to be more productive, but that’s just a farce. People are avoiding you at any cost and you must do something quick. Go to the store, buy as much beer as you can and begin making your friends like you again.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) – You’ll wake up alarmed one morning this week when you begin shedding your skin. Don’t attempt to fix this skin affliction with moisturizer, it’ll just slow the shedding process. Stay away from the sun, annoying people and reality television. The stars are pointing you toward a dermatologist with cold hands. Lucky numbers: 12, 30 and 1,895,084,673.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Dr. Z sees nothing but smooth sailing for you in the next two weeks. A good looking person will ask you on a date, you’ll get a promotion and you’ll get a really great deal on a new home. Not wishing to jinx your lucky streak, you’ll begin being nice to everyone, even strangers and assholes. Send a letter to Dr. Z at Lagniappe with $1,000 enclosed or I’ll see to it that the two weeks after this are more miserable than you could possibly fathom.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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