Dr. Zodiac

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Lent couldn’t come fast enough for you. Now’s the time to drop several of your worst habits for 40 days or so. It sounds easy enough, but believe me, you’ll be sweating it three days in. Maybe giving up things isn’t for you. Try to just reduce the amount of drinking, overeating and anonymous sex you’re having. That should do. Wear more green.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – A recent report that a coyote is loose in the Oakleigh section of town has you worried. Not so much about coyotes, but the inevitable inflow of wolves that’s sure to follow. It may seem ridiculous to others, but just wait until some old lady’s eaten by a wolf. Then you’ll be vindicated. A friend is in serious trouble with the Mob. Stay away from him, unless you want to get whacked too.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – You’re still reeling from your Mardi Gras fling with the Mobile Register’s Masked Observer. You were swept off your feet by the dashing, mysterious figure as he rolled down the street atop the Register’s hideous float designed to look like one of its hideous newspaper boxes. Glances were exchanged. Champagne sipped. Ancient sensual massages exchanged. All you’re left with now is a year’s subscription. Bummer.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – You’ll be elated, but also a bit suspicious when you’re invited soon to go hunting with Vice President Dick Cheney. You start snooping around and discover your spouse donated thousands to the GOP in order to get you near an armed Cheney. Maybe the honeymoon’s over. Mardi Gras is over, toss out all those leftover moonpies right now.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – Spend your energy in a more constructive fashion by trying to make others feel better about themselves. For instance, if you were to gain lots of weight, it would make others feel thinner by comparison. Spend some time reading books – dirty books. It will give you a better outlook on life, probably. It worked for Dr. Zodiac.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) – A lovely dinner with a special someone is in your future. Be sure to bring dental floss to the restaurant, though, because the stars suggest you’re going to get some kind of gristle stuck between your teeth and it will really bug the hell out of you unless get it out. Be sure to floss in the bathroom. Your date will consider flossing at the table rude.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – You’ve been looking for something to believe in and perhaps you’ll finally find it – at the bottom of a shot glass. Instead of decreasing your drinking, why not increase it? After all, you’re much funnier, sexier and popular when tanked. Why let your boring self take over so much of every day? Time to add that liquid personality to the mix more often. Someone you know thinks you look a lot like a camel.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – The stars are positively singing about you. Unfortunately, the song is “Mandy” by Barry Manilow. I’m not really sure what that means, but there’s no doubt it’s not good. I mean how could it be? If the stars start singing some sucky song like that about you, you’re not going to win a million bucks or anything. It probably means someone’s going to die. Invest in a new toothbrush, please.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – You tend to be something of an overachiever, and now it’s really getting on others’ nerves. People are starting to hate coming over to your house and hearing about how you just reupholstered the couch or spayed the dog yourself. Let people think you have faults, even if you don’t. Remember, the rest of the slobs out there aren’t perfect. Drink a can of V8 juice next time your feeling lonely. Trust me.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – If you’re trying to attract members of the opposite sex, or even members of the same sex, try becoming a bit more mysterious. Refuse to tell new acquaintances your name. Wildly overtip on small purchases. Wear a cape. It’s bound to get others talking. Of course, they won’t know who to talk about since you didn’t give them your name! See how it works? Brilliant! A friend wants to talk to you about Amway. Yikes!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Negativity has a way of taking over your life. Don’t let it! Stay positive even though some really crappy things are about to happen to you. Gee, that probably isn’t helping. Forget I told you about that. Just pretend to be surprised at the doctor’s news and that your lover has moved out when you get home from work one day next week. And whistle. Whistling is very positive.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – People around you will do almost anything you tell them, which is a tremendous amount of power for someone as evil as you to possess. Try to limit your evil suggestions to things that aren’t illegal. Getting a gold tooth might be the way to make yourself more attractive to someone you’ve had your eye on for a while. Then again, maybe it’s not. But it can’t hurt.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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