Dr. Zodiac

Pisces: About to get lucky!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – While Halloween provided you ample opportunity to scare little children, your efforts won’t be appreciated when a parent discovers you’ve been scaring their children everyday for the past two years. Take off your Joe the Plumber costume and avoid the authorities for at least a couple days, pal. Channel your energy into discovering a new method for stuffing turducken. Your GED will open a new world of opportunity in the coming days.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Telling everyone who you planned to vote for seemed like a good idea a couple weeks back, but when you went to vote for Barack Obama, you just couldn’t do it. This predicament had nothing to do with race, however, since you were seriously distracted by the hot polling girl who was offering sexual favors to all those who vowed to vote for McCain. You’ll take a strong stance on health care when you find out you’ve contracted rashes and blisters in sensitive areas. Fortunately, penicillin will keep you from having to deal with your situation for 4 to 8 years.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Moving to a new neighborhood will force you to give serious thought to the location of your dirty clothes hamper. Making sure you don’t place it anywhere near the location of your old toilet will prove to be a waste of time when you pee in the bed after celebrating the big move a little too much one night. Buying a dog will not only give you a new buddy, but also another breathing body to blame any more of those pesky reoccurring wet spots on.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Totally excited about the unveiling of the New Plan for Mobile, you’ll begin a 1 to 16 year wait for P.F. Chang’s to open across the street from the Civic Center. As long as you’re far from the numerous roundabouts the planners are proposing, you’ll be fine. Avoid applying for jobs at the port’s coal terminals and container yards, they’re going to pave industrial paradise to put up a park and cots.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Dr. Z sees an unmistakable opportunity to get lucky in your immediate future. After several fruity cocktails you’ll meet a man who resembles Daniel Craig, only hotter. When you finally get the nerve to slur that pick-up line you’ve been rehearsing you’ll be rewarded with a night full of steamy R-rated action. Don’t be sad when you wake up and your mysterious partner has abandoned you, he’ll be back after that Parade magazine photo shoot.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) -The growing tension of the Holiday season will force you to snap when you don’t get that year-end bonus the guys at corporate promised. Facing the prospect of giving really cheap gifts, you will begin to seek alternatives. Turns out a trip to the crafts store will allow you to place your own personal touch on all the junk you decide to give your second and third cousins. Don’t expect much from Santa, with gas prices at the North Pole soaring, he’s outsourcing the job to India this year.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Deciding that life is just too boring as of this moment, you’ll become determined to open that consignment shop you’ve been talking about. Choosing to work exclusively with the clinically insane will produce some high dollar art to sell, but those wackos drive a hard bargain. Bankruptcy will become a scary possibility when the price of used cowboy boots suddenly skyrockets. Avoid glass tables and the attractive people who like to lay underneath them.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Absolutely electrified with the prospect of the Crimson Tide making it to the biggest, baddest bowl game of the year and actually winning, you’ll begin betting all of your life savings on the potential national championship. When your bookie messes up and puts your money on Auburn, you’ll be forced to begin performing shameful acts to pay off your future pimp. Stay away from reusable diapers and deep sea tongs. Lucky numbers: 22, 56, 1 and 41.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) -Hitting a creative wall will prevent you from making anything of value for the next few weeks. In a pathetic effort to find your drive you’ll take some of those prescription drugs you found in your grandfather’s medicine cabinet some time ago. Now that you’re totally freaking out, it’s time to paint the next Mona Lisa. When you realize you’ve taken Viagra, you’ll begin making phallic art. You’ll be a millionaire in the next week.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) – Learning Latin will affect your life very little in the coming months. Despite the advice of friends, co-workers and your high school advisor you’ll begin learning other dead languages and waiting for the big, retro “Dead Language Movement.” You’re an idiot. Buy a frozen banana, because while you might not want a fresh banana right now, you’re going to want one later. The stars are making obscene gestures at the thought of your existence.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) -Impromptu singing sessions will be the source of much embarrassment in your future. Your ability to belt out Celine Dion’s greatest hits doesn’t do much for anyone these days and that’s just not going to change, ever. Take up a new hobby, like locking yourself in a dark room for days at a time. If you begin to feel lonely, try holding your breath. Dr. Z doesn’t condone anything involving Celine Dion. Keeping secrets will make you popular at your kids little league games.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – A steadfast desire to share your living space with younger, same sex tenants qualifies you as a registered sex offender, but don’t get down on yourself, pervert! Spend some time thinking about ways to distract others from the sign the government forces you to place in the front window of your house. Take refuge in knowing that your neighbor is unable to bring his wife to climax. Avoid using public restrooms and jail or you’ll end up in quite the snafu.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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