Dr. Zodiac

Pisces: Puppy=child?

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – Out of the fearful prospect America will become a Socialist nation under the Obama regime, you’ll have a flashback from the late ‘60s and entertain the old idea of fleeing to Canada. Although this makes hardly any sense, you’ll enjoy the universal healthcare and finally get the proper treatment for that embarrassing rash in that really uncomfortable place. You’ll also develop an unusually high tolerance for very strong beer and people who use the word “eh” at the end of every sentence.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Inadvertently getting all Jesus’d up as a result of leaving Channel Eight on while you fall asleep will change the lens through which you view the world. Even though your new television teacher/personal profit makes ends meet by running a chop shop, you’ll see the good in him when he gives you the suit that he stole years ago. You’ll begin praying for closet addicts, women with pink hair and a young gentlemen with an impending court case in the coming days.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – A weird thought will cross your mind when a crazy person screams across the street in your general direction tomorrow. Unable to get to the core of the motivation for thoughts, such as the one you just had, you’ll check yourself into a mental hospital and begin wetting the bed nightly. Shortly after receiving enough tranquilizers to kill a horse you’ll find what you were looking for and begin doing something, but you’ll never stop peeing the bed.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – While Comcast has failed you in every way possible when it comes to hooking up your cable, no one is going to catch you complaining about the fuzzy new releases and softcore porn that have now become available. Just as you sit down to watch the premiere of Hot Carl-fest # 37 you’ll develop a bad case of the squirts. Avoid regular diarrhea medication and get a camcorder. You’re going to be famous!

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Watching your stomach grow has been a rather lackluster hobby for the pat couple months, but working out just isn’t your style. Start something monumental in the next week or you’ll be doomed to a size 54 waist and many a night filled with dull conversations with the night manager at Wal-Mart. Look to the stars for some motivation regarding that monumental task you need to conquer. Orion has quite the surprise in store for you.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Playing bumper cars in a mall parking lot after drinking a bottle of vodka will help you keep your job in hard economic times. Don’t listen to the law. Drink the bottle, get in the car and hit parked cars. Vince Neil will respect you. When that gets boring step up your game a little and reach for that bottle of moonshine and the brochure you nabbed from pilot school. A promotion is coming your way if you listen to Dr. Z.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – You’ll begin drinking tea from a tiny cup in the coming days. Curious to find out if people will notice, you’ll keep sipping from the cup long after the tea is gone. Not only will people not notice, no one will care. You’re little experiment will turn out to be quite metaphorical when you check your bank account and find that it’s been empty for weeks. Try to embarrass a friend in public tomorrow. Lucky numbers: 48, 71 and 00.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – The New Plan for Old Mobile has really begun to take shape! Dr. Z used his ability to see into the future a couple nights ago and found that in the year 2019 we’ll have thirty round-abouts inside the Hank Aaron Loop, a Whole Foods on every corner for miles and miles and lots of parks with statues of Sam Jones in a pretty scandalous Mardi Gras costume. The stars say you’ll take part in erecting a statue with an old acquaintance before Dr. Z does his “I told you so” dance.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – Whoring yourself out over the Internet has led your friends to talk about you behind your back, but that’s OK because you’re up to your neck in anonymous sex. Tired from all the action you’re hot profile picture is landing you, you’ll begin missing appointments and earn a bad reputation among the Internet crowd. Making the break with your nasty dating Web site will be tough but a reconciliation with your old pals is on its way if you do.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) – Watching what seems to be endless episodes of John and Kate plus Eight will force you to finally break down and buy a dog. When you get to the animal shelter and your partner keeps picking out children who are also looking at dogs you’ll freak out a little, but then find a child that doesn’t speak, barks, poops and pees wherever it likes and licks itself. Opt for the leather leash with spikes and name it Todd.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – It’s been a while since Bayfest and you seem to be having Buckcherry withdrawals. Traveling the world to collect jars of sweat from the lead singer, Josh Todd will prove to be not only a good idea, but a lucrative business decision due to the heroin content of the metabolized sweat product. Don’t be surprised when you get arrested for selling drugs, but do be astonished when the band changes it’s name to Buttcherry to avoid the controversy you have created for them.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – You will find a startled, twitching John McCain muttering the words “Maverick must get Palin” in the coming days. Ignoring the fact that the former presidential candidate is dressed in a hodgepodge of outfits from Neiman Marcus, you’ll immediately call Greg Peterson to tell him about the Dirty Job you’ve found. After the horrified news anchor changes McCains diaper, he’ll quit the business and move to Alaska to teach Sarah Palin about continents and NAFTA.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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