By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

About this time last year, millions of dollars were wasted on celebrations planned after it was rumored that “Fitness Made Simple” guru John Basedow was missing in the horrible tsunami that hit Southeast Asia. That didn’t prove to be the case and the champagne remains on ice and the commemorative coins stay uncirculated.

I offer that anecdote to demonstrate the mayhem that can result from not having an accurate psychic guide for the coming year. Any decent bit of fortunetelling should have saved the American people the undue joy and subsequent depression associated with last year’s Basedow hoax. In an effort to keep that from happening again, I’m providing a month-by-month look forward into 2006.

Keep it handy as a guide to live by, or possibly as a super-absorbent beverage coaster.

January — Sheriff Jack Tillman is under renewed scrutiny after it is revealed that not only did he personally keep “leftover” money intended for feeding prisoners, he also has kept “extra” money intended for prisoner medical care, dental cleanings, hair cuts, uniforms and toilet cleaning.

It is discovered that newly appointed County Commissioner Juan Chastang recently threw his hat into the ring in the Iraqi elections. He apparently claims a small hut in the outskirts of Baghdad as a primary residence. He loses by just a few hundred thousand votes.

February — One year after allegedly running over a little girl’s foot while drunk driving on Mardi Gras Day, Mobile County School Board Member David Thomas is at it again. This time he’s arrested after running over the entire Murphy High School marching band. He pleads not guilty, has his car quickly repainted and the trial is put on the docket for sometime in the next decade. His buddies down at Municipal Court draw straws to see who gets to expunge his record this time.

March — The cruise ship Holiday finally returns after serving as a hurricane refugee shelter for several months. Those booked for cruises complain that the ship smells like cheap beer, cigarettes and dirty diapers, but Carnival Cruise officials say that’s normal for an older cruise ship.

County Commissioner Mike Dean’s expensive office renovations are finally completed, allowing him to fully concentrate on other wasteful ways to squander tax money.

April — Former Mobile City Councilman Thomas Sullivan is finally off the public teat after he is removed from the Mobile Water and Sewer Board after using water board funds to give his former campaign manager’s kids swimming lessons in one of the treatment pools. Later in the month, he announces a run for Congress.

May — With Hurricane Season looming, local officials estimate more than 75 percent of the residents of Mobile and Baldwin Counties have already boarded up their houses and are living on generator power just so they can get used to the conditions. Gas stations also start jacking up their prices every three days so there won’t be so much “sticker shock” when the big one hits.

June — Mobile Mayor Sam Jones actually cracks a joke at a public event, sparking widespread conjecture that he may actually have a personality.

The Mobile County Sheriff’s race is thrown into chaos when 15 people qualify for election. Included in the group are former City Councilman Thomas Sullivan, who misspells “sheriff” on his application, and County Commissioner Juan Chastang, who lists a Circle K in Prichard as his official residence.

July — Archbishop Oscar Lipscomb is under intense pressure to resign after it is learned that not only has he ignored the presence of pedophile priests in the diocese, but he has also ignored kleptomaniac priests, pickpocket priests, heroine addict priests and pyromaniac priests. Lipscomb claims he was never aware any of the priests in question had any problems. He then has himself moved back into the sound-proof, light-proof room that serves as his headquarters.

August — Hurricane Waldo wrecks Pensacola, also marking the earliest in history the National Hurricane Center has run out of names. By the end of the month, they are a third of the way through the Greek alphabet, too.

The NFL officially allows Saints owner Tom Benson to move the team to San Antonio. However, seeking to soothe hurt feelings, the league mandates that Benson can no longer use the Saints nickname. The San Antonio Heartless Bastards go 1-3 in preseason.

September — The National Hurricane Center runs out of Greek letters and starts using classic rock band names to designate new storms. Hurricane Argent wrecks Pensacola.

October — Hurricane Bachman Turner Overdrive makes a pass at Mobile before sweeping east and wrecking the wreckage of Pensacola. Pensacola surrenders.

The Fairhope Wal-Mart officially opens and is swarmed by patrons who are either wearing disguises or won’t make eye contact with one another. No resident will admit shopping there, but the store does record business.

November —. Mayor Sam Jones finally does something newsworthy, but just 24 hours later, no one can remember what it is. He remains ensconced behind the high-tech security door installed outside his office 10 minutes after he became mayor.

The last candle/homemade pet food shop in Fairhope goes out of business. The owners blame Wal-Mart. The city’s last latte shop/aromatique appears to be on its way out too.

December — Municipal Court Judge James Lackey throws out and expunges all charges facing School Board Member David Thomas. “I just wanted to see if I’ve still got it,” he quips while literally thumbing his nose at the public.

The longest Hurricane Season on record mercifully ends when Tropical Storm Meatloaf peters out in the middle of the Atlantic. But news reports soon circulate that fitness celebrity John Basedow’s yacht, Ripped Abs, is missing near Bermuda. Champagne bottles stand chilled and at the ready.

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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