Dr. Zodiac

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – The luck of the Irish is upon you! A casual hookup at a St. Paddy’s Day party gives you VD – but it’s curable! Begorrah! Looks like your shillelagh will be back in order in no time. Perhaps you should dance a jig in honor of St. Patrick. But don’t dance too vigorously until you get that mess under control. On a happier note, someone will give you one of Chassity’s “The Girl Has a Tattoo” Calendars, which will provide months of laughs.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – You don’t understand why people got so mad at County Commissioner Mike Dean for saying Hurricane Katrina was good for Mobile. You think that very thing every day! For one thing, more people live in trailers, so you don’t feel so alone. And another thing is that it brought more New Orleans trash to live here, so you don’t feel so redneck. You’ve moved up the food chain without even having to lift a finger!

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – You will have a reccurring dream that you and your partner are making love in front of the “American Idol” judges. Randy calls you his dog, which seems appropriate given the position, and Paula wants to get in on the action. But the part that haunts your waking hours is Simon’s comments that he’d seen better moves in the backseats of cars in the parking lots at high school proms. Could dream Simon be right? Is your subconscious picking up some vibes of dissatisfaction from your lover? Start dating high schoolers and stop worrying.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Weeks after St. Patrick’s Day, you’ll still be banned from your favorite bar. Apparently no one at the party thought it was funny for you to keep dropping your pants and urging others to “Gaze upon the real Paddy O’Toole!” Oh well, at least they don’t know who you are at Chantilly’s. And it’s always “Grab a Granny” night there! Eat more eggs, they’ll make your coat shiny.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – You’re completely fired up about the USA Jaguar’s bid to the NCAA tournament. In fact you’re so jazzed, you’ll get drunk and talk a friend into punching you really hard all over your body so you’ll look like you have jaguar spots. And it kind of works. Naked, you do sort of look like a jaguar – a jaguar with leukemia. But at least you’ve got team spirit. A missed opportunity presents itself again – McRib is back!

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) – Your total lack of production at work has your bosses thinking about canning you. Better do something fast! Working harder is one option, but you’re so woefully behind it could take months to dig out. Have some elective surgery. That should buy you a few months. Nobody wants to fire someone who’s just had a major organ removed. Just make sure you don’t come back to work with a spanking new set of DD hooters, or the jig will be up!

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Your total insanity has finally gotten the best of you and those who, for some reason, love you. It’s time to see the shrink. Dr. Zodiac has spent his fair share of time on the couch and I’ve got a little advice. When things get boring, start weaving some sick murder fantasies into your confessions. It will brighten the therapist’s day and make you feel better too. Then you can come in every week and say, “Hey, I didn’t kill anyone last week! Thanks doc!”

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Your romantic relationships are getting harder and harder to maintain. That’s because there are so many of them. Keeping the names and locations straight is getting tougher. Maybe it’s time to get a Palm Pilot to help keep things straight. Of course, if you get busted, your new nickname may be “The Palm-pilot,” if you catch my drift. A new flavor of ice cream makes your week.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – For some reason you have an overwhelming desire to start yelling and pointing at people like Hulk Hogan while having routine conversations. This may be off-putting to some, but others will find it completely repulsive. Time to consider a new hairdo. Of course, once the considering is over, you’ll go back to the same lame cut you’ve had since 1957. You’ll start a new business cleaning up after dogs. It will be called Scooby Poo. It will fail.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – You continue to be amazed by the devotion of Christopher Reeve’s wife, Dana, who died last week. She took care of her paralyzed husband for nearly 10 years. This is especially hard for you to believe, considering the fact you would leave your spouse over a case of diarrhea. Oh well, I suppose there are enough saints already. A new pair of pants makes your butt look amazing, or at least less disgusting.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – You still smell like cabbage for two weeks after your St. Paddy’s Day blowout. Unfortunately, until you read this, you won’t realize the reason for that is that you threw up green beer and cabbage in your bed and you continue sleeping in it each night. Change your sheets more often! You’re disgusting! A secret admirer is ready to be revealed – just as soon as the parole board lets him go!

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Mike Rush’s new show on WPMI has really caught your interest. You keep thinking, “What could be more interesting than Mike Rush with a couple of lawyers talking about the law at 10:30 on Sunday night?” Then the answer hits you – what if Mike had some of those famous “Hog Dogs” he’s always out watching attack the lawyers WHILE they answer questions? That would be cool. Give Mike a call, he’ll love the idea because he likes to see dogs bite things.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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