By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

OK, OK, stop e-mailing and calling, I’m going to write about it. Since late last week, I’ve had many people say, “I guess I know what you’re going to write about now!”

Damn you David Thomas. Not only are you single-handedly making a mockery of public service, you’re turning me into a one-trick pony columnist. But as David Thomas is compelled to do all manner of idiotic things, so am I compelled to write about it.

Quite frankly though, after the school board member’s latest foolishness of using $9,000 in school funds to buy Mardi Gras throws came to public attention, I probably wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be fair or objective. Like most folks around these parts, I’m suffering from David Thomas Fatigue Syndrome. It’s almost too much to handle. At some point, you just want to encourage the children of the Mobile County Public School System to spit on Thomas as he saunters down their hallways in his fancy duds.

But that’s not really a very mature or professional position for a columnist to take, now is it? That’s why I sought some spiritual cleansing before sitting down to tap upon my little keyboard.

I headed out to Saraland to the Triumph Learning and Worship Center for Life to seek the solace offered by the famed “Drywall Jesus” that appeared on the wall recently after the church suffered water damage. At first I was skeptical that a water spot could offer real spiritual insight, but I soon began to feel its power.

“Oh Drywall Jesus, how can I find the strength and tolerance to give David Thomas the benefit of the doubt that he has some modicum of common decency in his withered soul?” I asked.

A calm voice from the Drywall replied, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

“Even though he ran over a little girl’s foot, improperly coerced high school bands to march at Mardi Gras and has been instrumental in trying to run Superintendent Harold Dodge out of town?” I asked.

“Let he who is without sin throw the first stone,” the sheetrock deity replied.

“EVEN after he spent $9,000 of public school money in a shady deal for Mardi Gras throws?” I asked.

“HE DID WHAT?!” the Drywall said incredulously. “For the love of …. That’s it! He must be crazier than H-E double hockey sticks to think anyone will let that slide! I’ve never spent more than $700 on throws when I ride! What’s he throwing, canned hams?! I don’t know how much more of this I can take!”

When I left, the Drywall was still ranting and had begun weeping blood. I guess even Holy Water stains can suffer from David Thomas Fatigue Syndrome. But the trip to Saraland did give me some perspective. Maybe David Thomas does deserve some of our collective understanding. After all, he’s had a rough year.

Perhaps if we try to put ourselves in his very expensive, well-shined shoes we can start to understand why Dave does what Dave does. To do that, you first have to imagine yourself as a person of unfathomable hubris who believes your status as a minority elected official affords you the right to do whatever you like, regardless of the morality or legality of your actions. See? Once you do that, it’s easy to see how you might choose to become this area’s single biggest human liability.

In Dave’s world, the community owes him and his school board crony Hazel Fournier $9,000 in Mardi Gras trinkets for representing us. In Dave’s world, anyone who says anything about it is a racist trying to take down a powerful black man. In Dave’s world, he should be allowed to drive drunk, run over people, have his DUIs expunged, undermine the school superintendent, twist arms and misspend public money, and we all ought to be damn glad to have him.

Of course, Dave might be deranged, but that seems to be a pretty accurate reading of his general state of mind.

The thing I’ve heard over and over this past week from people is how dumb they believe David Thomas must be to have thought he could get away with something as egregious as spending $9,000 on beads, cups and moonpies. And I’d have to agree, even though I have my doubts Thomas really got 9K worth of throws. Would anyone be surprised if there turns out to be more to this story? (Would anyone be surprised by ANYTHING David Thomas might do right now?)

But I don’t think there’s any way Thomas can possibly be that dumb. If single-celled creatures had their own school board, the elected single-celled members of that board wouldn’t even be dumb enough to think they could spend nine grand on moonpies and beads and get away with it. Especially if a couple of those single-celled board members had just told their single-celled superintendent they were going to can him, knowing the single-celled superintendent was fully aware of the obscene purchase and might bring it to the attention of the single-cell DA. (OK, enough paramecium analogies.)

No, nobody’s that dumb, not even Thomas. But he is that arrogant. He thinks he deserves those Mardi Gras throws, even while the school system consistently carps about money. If Thomas’ previous antics weren’t enough to convince you – and I know there were still a few people drinking the David-Thomas-is-just-a-misunderstood-guy Kool Aid – this should do the trick.

The time for giving him the benefit of the doubt just got tossed out like a banana moonpie on Fat Tuesday.

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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