Dr. Zodiac

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Your fears of Mad Cow Disease have gotten out of hand since a heifer here in ‘Bama was found to have the dreaded illness. Not only are you avoiding beef products, you’re also avoiding anything vaguely beef-like, including Slim Jims, jerky and anything from Taco Bell. You won’t even let your dog eat Gainsburgers. Ease up. You really should be a lot more worried about bird flu.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Your Spring Break plans are coming to fruition. Despite your advanced age, you plan to head down to the beach to gawk at the college kids in their bathing suits and to chug-a-lug beer until you hurl. Everyone will be happy. You get to relive your college years and the kids get photos that will make them laugh for years. A relative wants to borrow money. Screen your calls.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – A new gadget promises to make your life better. It’s called an electric toothbrush. Read the directions and use it. The rest of us will applaud the effort. A former teacher reaches out to you for help. You may agree to offer aid, but first, make her clap erasers for an hour just to get even. A routine checkup reveals that you’re not getting enough iron in your diet. Beer might have iron in it, so drink more beer. (Editor’s note: Dr. Zodiac is not a medical doctor.)

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – Your tolerance for stupidity is at an all-time low. It is essential that you do not watch any reality shows, especially “Flava of Love,” starring Flava-Flav, or you may become violent. It’s not worth going to jail so you can watch that crap! Although, the slammer might be the ultimate reality show of all, except for the raping. Rooting through an elderly relative’s love letters turns your stomach.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)-Did you know a co-worker has a crush on you? No, not the cute one! No, not the successful one! Yep, that’s the one! Did you know that creepy co-worker has pictures of you cut out all over his bathroom? I won’t tell you what he does with them, but it ain’t right. Might be time to change jobs. Your bitter outlook is always going to make you attractive to creeps, though. In fact, Dr. Zodiac is starting to find you attractive right now!

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Your religious faith is at an all-time high after you notice a rust stain on your driveway has begun to resemble John the Baptist. Soon hundreds of people will flock to your driveway to pray for healing and to lay their hands upon your sacred concrete. Of course, there’s a good opportunity there to make a few bucks, so don’t be a chump. Merchandising is key. A night of good lovin’ will leave you with a bad rash next week.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Your efforts to find a new job will be thwarted by the fact that you link your MySpace.com profile on your cover letters. Believe it or not, potential employers are not impressed by pictures of you totally hammered during Spring Break or photos of your goofy friends smoking hash in the Red-light District in Amsterdam. I know you want people to know how cool you are, but let them find out on their own.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) -

In the coming weeks, gardening is highlighted for you. Get out there in the yard and do some raking or whatever it is people do when they garden! Dr. Z doesn’t personally like to do anything that involves rakes, although he is fond of the hoes, har, har! That’s a little garden comedy for you. But I digress. An old friend is going through some tough times, which should warm your black heart.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) -

You’re still on a high after the recent Willie Nelson concert provided you with an opportunity to have a little one-on-one time with “The Red-headed Stranger.” You and Willie had a magical connection, so you should expect a call very soon from him. He may be calling to ask if you know anything about how six inches of one of his braids got cut off while he slept. Play dumb and be charming. Willie won’t stay mad for long.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – April Fool’s Day is right around the corner, so it’s time to plan your next hilarious trick. This year you top yourself by calling your friends and pretending to be a police officer telling them a loved one has been in a terrible accident and they need to race to the hospital. It’ll be so funny when all your friends are standing in the ER panicking and you jump out and yell “April Fool’s!” Fortunately, you’ll already be at the hospital, which will be convenient.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) -While doing your thing at the upcoming Gay Pride festival, you get a little too gay for everyone’s comfort and are asked to tone it down. It’s the feather boa that creeps everyone out, by the way. An embarrassing nose hair situation leads to some new personal grooming rules that are way overdue. Giving a ride to a stranger turns out to be a fantastic way to be murdered and tossed into a shallow grave along I-10. Who knew?

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Parenthood suits you to a T. You enjoy taking your little one out on the town with you, and it even makes you not want to drink as much knowing junior’s going to be strapped into the back seat. Others notice your natural parenting skills, too, especially little things like the way you always blow your cigarette smoke away from the kid while you’re holding her. And how you feed her bourbon to help with “teething.” Maybe you should write a book about raising kids.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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