Dr. Zodiac

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – The ridiculously high price of gas is forcing you into desperate measures. But beware, neighborhood relationships will be strained if your neighbor catches you siphoning his gasoline again. Speaking of gas, a Mexican dinner will cause a premature ending to a night of loving. Try sushi next time. Or buy some Gas-X. Your lucky number is 244.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – It’s depressing, but your dog is actually receiving more mail than you. Why? He’s more popular. Maybe it’s time to take Rover for a ride in the country and leave him there. Who needs the competition? Then again, that’s probably not going to make you more popular. Maybe you should just try hanging out with your dog more, that way you can sponge off of his friends. Your lucky number is 3.14.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – An evening of bowling ends up in the gutter when you get your hand caught in the ball return. Luckily, your hand will be saved. Unfortunately the same can’t be said of your reputation after your friends find out you bowl. Did you know one-in-three rectal-colon exams can be fun? I see good times in your future. Your lucky number is 6 or 7.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – A new landlord turns out to be an obnoxious jerk. If you want to get even with him, run over the air conditioner with your car, then call him and complain about how hot it is. Then, while he’s working on it, set fire to the house! That’ll teach him to rent to a maniac like you. Of course your next landlord will be the state. Try eating something you don’t like, just so you can complain about it. Your lucky number is 1,999,431.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- An employee has been lying about going on sales calls, but when you confront her about it, her response is to act like you’re making a big deal out of nothing. This makes you reassess your basic values. It seems you’ve been wasting your time trying to live honestly. Apparently lying and stealing aren’t really that big a deal. Who knew? A fat woman with braces will call you bad names. Your lucky number is unpublished.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Did you know someone has it in for you? The hater in question wants to ruin your life, but is having a hard time figuring out how to make it worse than it already is. This works in your favor. To keep your nemesis at bay, just make sure you don’t improve your situation too much, or you’ll actually have something to lose. Scratch your dog in the right spot. Your lucky number is .0000000000000000000001.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – You’re personally outraged that people won’t leave Mobile County School Board member David Thomas alone. After all he’s done for the children, and this is the thanks he gets. But a great deal of your rage comes from the fact that Thomas looks a lot like Emmanuel Lewis, who played in the TV show “Webster,” which you loved as a small child. You don’t like anybody messin’ with Webster, even if he is a stinkin’ cheat who runs over small children. Lucky number: 5. Enough said.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – The governor has signed into law a bill that will finally allow you to shoot people who are breaking into your house. This is good news! The only problem is how do you manage to get your boss, Saddam Hussein and County Commissioner Steve Nodine to break into your house, and will you have enough bullets? The scary part is what if you accidentally break into someone else’s house? Then it seems very heavy-handed. Better load up on ammo, just in case.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Ever since those poor guys were shot in a McDonald’s drive-thru, you’ve been asking yourself the same question – are there any fast foods worth risking your life for? Logically, the answer is probably no, but emotionally, there are several fast food items for which you would brave hot lead. Let’s face it, you’d run through a minefield for a Taco Bell burrito. A little advice: Don’t give me no lines and keep your hands to yourself.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Like the ZZ Top song says, every girl is indeed crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man. And the same is true for dudes being insane for sharp-dressed gals. So get out of that baggy underwear, those wrinkled pants and shirts that look like they were once part of a Rorschach test, and spice up the wardrobe. Dr. Zodiac always recommends wearing lots of loose-fitting silk. Your lucky number is the phone number of a local strip club.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – During an upcoming visit to the Gulf Shores Zoo, you will encounter a small monkey with a big desire. This little fellow will have lovin’ on his mind. He’ll be behind the cage bars, but his “hobby” will terrify the children. Perhaps it’s time to give up on nature, it always seems to let you down. If you want your lucky number, Dr. Z needs to see a little jack.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – A move to a new office will prove fortuitous beyond your wildest dream. However, there will be one problem – hanta virus. It seems your landlord will fail to mention the current tenants – the ones who pay their rent in flea bites. But, as usual, there is an upside – bill collectors won’t want to come into your business. Downside – high fever. Your lucky number is 12, but don’t get your hopes up. It ain’t THAT lucky.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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