Dr. Zodiac

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – You’re still finding Easter eggs hidden around your house after you got hammered and decided to play Peter Cottontail. Three problems surfaced the following morning as you realized you had forgotten where you hid the eggs, also failed to boil them and have no children to find them. Keep looking, but expect the final egg to appear sometime around the Fourth of July. Until then, keep air freshener handy.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – A relative’s ability to perform authentic-sounding crow and owl calls will both fascinate and frighten you. You have a fear of birds and a really, really big fear of people who try to sound like birds. When the birdcalls start, close your eyes and go to a happy place where birds are floating in a hearty stew. Mmmm, bird stew! Now that doesn’t seem so scary, does it?

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – In a fit of rage, you call “Sound Off” and curse the endless rerunning of “Peanuts” cartoons even though Charles Schultz has been dead for years. Shortly afterwards, your morning newspaper is hurled through your bedroom window. Sifting through the shattered glass, you find a note attached to the paper that says, “Back off Schultz or you’ll get to meet him.” You believe the note to be written by Publisher Howard Bronson, a well-known Snoopy fan. Beware, you’re on thin ice.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- You’re starting to feel like your mother may be irritated with you, especially since she called last week at 2 a.m. to tell you she would rather have given birth to Hitler. Ouch! But hey, Mother’s Day is coming up. Time to bury the hatchet. Take Mom to Denny’s and let her have all the Grand Slam breakfast she can shove into her fat little face. Maybe next time, she’ll just compare you to Pol Pot. Someone smelly wants to kiss you.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – In coming days, your sleep will be disturbed by reoccurring dreams where WALA anchors Bob Grip and Anissa Centers urge you to vote again and again for “American Idol’s” Taylor Hicks. In the dream, Bob and Anissa fight over who is the biggest Hicks fan, then they break down crying, begging you to wake up and vote. Mysteriously, when your next phone bill comes, it will show thousands of dollars in calls to the “Idol” voting lines.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Some people you know are thinking about confronting you about your bad breath. I say, “Consider it done!” Thanks to Dr. Zodiac’s amazing psychic powers, you now know your breath smells like low tide in Bayou La Batre. Oh, and by the way, your lover thinks you look really fat naked. And many people think your nostrils flare strangely. Spend more time working with computers. They don’t think your breath stinks.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – A new diet is giving you a new outlook on life. Finally, you’re beginning to understand what it’s like not to eat things that taste good, or to eat them until you’re really, really full. This insight has made you feel sorry for people who deprive themselves of things they really want, such as ice cream sandwiches. Since the world already has too much sorrow, you decide to just get back to getting fat.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – The best thing you can do for your career right now is to start showing up for work on time and to stop stealing supplies out of your boss’ desk, particularly his “supply” of scotch whiskey. Of course, the old man might also be impressed if you actually come to work on time, and stop scaring people in the bathroom.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Now that he’s been booted out of office, ex-Sheriff Jack Tillman is going to start bothering you on a routine basis. First, he’ll just start dropping by unannounced and want to box with you out in the yard. Don’t do it, he’ll just cheat and hit you with one of those damn “Rabbit Punches” you’re always hearing about. Oh, and you should be aware he’s still got lots of that horrible jail food lying around, so don’t eat with him. Eating more kiwi fruit makes you feel sexy.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Perhaps you’re getting a little too “into” the “American Idol” thing. It was bad enough when you went berserk and broke out several windows in your house when Ace got the boot. The fact that you’ve been stalking Taylor Hicks’ grandmother is another warning sign. Find a nice karaoke night somewhere and get your fix there. Two people you know are currently taking Viagra recreationally. Be very careful around them.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – The drought will continue making your life a living hell. Every night you stand out in the yard spraying water on your dying lawn and cursing John Edd, Alan Seals and David Glenn for not delivering the rain you want and need. It is of little consolation that these TV weathermen don’t actually control the weather, because you’re a moron and you think they do. Write them some threatening letters, and it will make you feel better. Spend some time working on your idea for reusable toilet paper next week.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – You think you know, but you don’t know. You just assume you know, but you know what they say about assumptions, they, you know, make an ass out of you and me. Unless you want to come off as a horrible know-it-all, you’d better reassess what you really know and what you think you know and learn to separate them. A shrimp sandwich will change your very life. Really. Fried shrimp.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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