Dr. Zodiac

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – You’re going to learn the hard way that teenage girls, whiskey, whipped cream, fast cars and the police don’t mix. Just don’t call anyone you respect to come bail you out. A very small dog will steal your heart and give you ringworm. It’s a decent trade. A thoughtless remark leaves someone with a strong desire to murder you. Well played!

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Getting the cold shoulder from your spouse has become so routine, you’re almost surprised when there’s conversation between you that doesn’t involved the use of strong profanity. But don’t despair. Things are much, much worse at your neighbor’s house. There’s some cross-dressing and drug-use issues over there. That should make you feel better already. Don’t invest in a hedge fund if you think it has anything to do with plants.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – Your poker group turns out to be full of idiots, which is great for you! These clowns always seem to make the wrong move, which means lots of wins for you. Watch out, though, it’s a setup. Pretty soon, somebody’s going to casually suggest a game of strip poker and then it’s on! Next week you’re break your own personal record for the number of times you jam the “F word” into one sentence.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- Your good buddy David Thomas is feeling down and you want to cheer him up, but you’re not sure how. Here’s some advice: don’t do anything that involves moonpies, little girls, SUVs, drinking, going out in public, lawyers, judges, Taco Bell food, Mardi Gras, trips to Vegas or public trust and you’re probably on the right track. The temptation to have your smile brightened with a gold grille is too much to resist.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – A weekend marriage encounter goes horribly awry when the host couple starts regaling you with stories of their sex life. There aren’t enough barf bags to go around when they get down to the nitty-gritty. On the plus side, you don’t have to go through with marriage, as your desire to ever have sex again has been driven from your body. A potato chip shaped like Thomas Aquinas will change your life.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Did you know gerbils can make love more than 100 times a day? What does this have to do with your life? Nothing, unless you get to go on some kind of trivia game show and they ask a question about gerbil mating habits. But it does get you thinking, doesn’t it? If a gerbil can get that much action, why can’t you get just one-one-hundredth? Maybe if you were a gerbil, you could.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – Dr. Phil has begun to haunt your waking hours. The self-help-hypocrite-guru seems to be showing up everywhere you look, telling you how to live life, lose weight and generally just making a horse’s ass out of himself. There’s no way to escape him, unless you throw your TV out the window. It’s almost worth it, but then you’d miss out on all that “Oprah” that you love so much. A tick lodges in a most embarrassing place.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) -Spotting someone you hate buying lice shampoo at the drug store puts you in a moral dilemma. On one hand you really want to spread the info around that your nemesis might have crabs. On the other hand, you also want to lie and say you saw your enemy buying herpes medication. What to do, what to do? Split the difference and spread rumors that your enemy has crabs with herpes.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Now is the time of year for you to start spending every weekend at some local outdoor bar drunkenly screaming requests to the poor bastard playing guitar for a few bucks. People expect it of you, so don’t let them down. Also be sure to perform slow, grinding, dances only you think are sexy. Believe me, you’re the reason so many people show up at these bars. Give the mailman a piece of your mind – if you dare!

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – You’ll soon eat a roast beef sandwich that will radically change your perspective on what a sandwich can be. You’ll also snap into a Slim Jim in a way that will cause you to rededicate your life to eating all the meat-like food possible. And then there’ll be a doughnut that…. Well, what I’m trying to say is you’re getting a bit too food-friendly, tubby. Try using your teeth for smiling instead of chewing. A bat will get tangled in your hair.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – The stars are lining up and it looks like you may finally get a chance to meet your hero – Carrot Top. Sure, to most people, he’s a frightening freak who tells lame jokes and makes annoying phone commercials. But to you, he’s an Adonis with a rubber chicken. But don’t be disappointed if Mr. Top doesn’t share your enthusiasm. I have it on good authority that he’s strictly into inflatable dolls. Too bad.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – What may seem like thoughtless cruelty in another is actual willful cruelty. You’re hanging out with sadists and it’s starting to affect your self-esteem. How many times a day can you have someone tell you that you have teeth like Sponge Bob and a body that looks like a sack full of hammers? It’s time to spend some time building your confidence! Stand naked in front of a mirror and repeat over and over “I’m some kinda hot!” Keep the lights low and it will be more believable.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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