Dr. Zodiac

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Funny looking. That’s how you’ll describe the person you’ll be hooking up with next weekend. Too bad you won’t be saying “Funny looking, but great in the sack….” Just funny looking. All in all, it’s probably an experience you’ll want to forget. Turnips will continue to turn up (har, har) in foods you order. There must be some way to shake that nasty veggie.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – A thoughtless person provokes your merciless rage in the coming days, which gets them what they had coming – death by mini van. Be sure to use a quality car wash afterward, or the cops will be onto you with their damn ultraviolet lights. Another helpful hint, a hacksaw can quickly free someone from the undercarriage of your vehicle. Your mom is still confused by the Mother’s Day gift you gave her. A Gillette electric razor? Really!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- The stars are showing B.O. in your life, and the stars never lie, especially when it comes to matters of personal hygiene. Things are a bit hazy though, so it’s difficult to see if the B.O. is yours or someone else’s. Let’s hope it’s the latter. Driving away quickly cures that much easier. However, it the O turns out to belong to y-O-u, a new fragrance could do the trick. Or perhaps one of those high-pressure hoses they use to wash elephants. Just clean up, Stinky!

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) -You can stop worrying, your secret will remain safe. David Thomas pled guilty and took the fall for you. No one will find out YOU were really the one who ran over that little girl on Mardi Gras and bought thousands of dollars worth of throws and ran into that guy in front of Taco Bell. All this time, David has taken it on the chin for you! I doubt you’ll ever be able to sleep again! Telemarketers will call you repeatedly. Yes, this is really in the stars.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Someone you know well will question your integrity in front of other people you know well, but not as well as the person who is questioning you, which is kind of embarrassing, since you don’t know those folks so well and will end up wondering what they could possibly think of you after hearing such salacious things said about you by someone they know knows you very well. Well, you know, some people make up their own minds, and those are the best people to know.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – Your sleep is being ruined as you toss and turn over a recurring nightmare. Ever since Arts Alive! a couple of weeks ago, you are haunted by the memory of a full grown man prancing across Cathedral Square dressed as a rabbit in tights and a top hat. Worse yet, in your dream, it’s YOU who is wearing the getup, and you love it! Go with the vibe and get yourself a little rabbit outfit to sport around the house. You’ll feel better

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – While everyone is worried about what might happen if an LNG terminal is built off Dauphin Island, your environmental concerns are also about natural gas, but much closer to home. Primarily your concerns center around a roommate with a penchant for eating Taco Bell late at night and then lying around the house the next day fumigating everyone. Maybe you can get the CCA to denounce this practice as well. A delightful dinner companion turns out to have halitosis.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – You’re disturbed to hear others say some of the city’s art museums have an unwritten prohibition against nudity, especially as you’ve longed to view art while in the nude. It seems unlikely they’ll allow the patrons to be nude if the art isn’t. Well, this ain’t New York, so get over it. If you want to view art naked, you’ll just have to stay at home and look at those pictures of sad clowns you have in your bedroom. And believe me, there’s a reason they’re sad!

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – You’ve been considering cosmetic surgery for some time, and that time has come. Just think about what a sex magnet you’re going to be once you have those black teeth removed, your brows lifted, lips enlarged, liposuction, laser hair removal, toenails cut, ears pinned back, nose fixed, vision corrected and skin tags trimmed off. Whoa Nellie! You’ll be quite a looker, unless any of these deals is botched.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – With Father’s Day coming up soon, you should think about getting Dad what he really wants: a hooker. But just remember Dad doesn’t want some old street hooker you pick up down on Broad Street, he wants someone with a little class. It’s the least you can do for him. You’ve got a few weeks, so get busy. Bees will sting you unmercifully in the coming days, leaving you swollen in a way others find quite attractive.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – The next moneymaking idea you have will be the one! It will be the one to make you wildly wealthy. It will also be the one to get you in trouble with the Feds. But don’t let that cool your jets. Club Fed is a cakewalk and you’ll find ways to stash the cash that Uncle Sam will never catch. There’ll still be plenty of loot left when you waltz out in 19-24 months. An item on a Chinese menu will confuse you in the coming days.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) -Someone whose opinion you trust thinks you look a lot like Martha Washington with your new haircut. This is devastating information if you’re a woman. If you’re a dude, it could be a life-changer. We all know, Martha was no hottie. Isolate a potential rival from your friend set, or else you could be the one ousted! A mysterious stranger buys you lunch – at Wendy’s.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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