Dr. Zodiac

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You’re ready to put 2005 and all its humiliation, degradation and masturbation behind you. In 2006, humiliation and degradation still reign supreme, but thanks to a new relationship, you’ll be able to cut that masturbation problem back from a lifestyle to a “recreational activity.” Invest heavily in pork bellies in the coming year.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Some fat broad once sang “You are the Wind Beneath My Wings,” and that song should stick in your head throughout the coming year. Not necessarily because it has anything to do with your life in 2006, but mainly because the stars predict that an excessively annoying song will haunt you through the entire year until you are almost ready to jam a railroad spike into your temple.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Your watch words this coming year should be “skin” and “cancer.” You should imagine these watch words appearing in the same sentence and being spoken by a “dermatologist.” Your career takes an appealing turn as you are invited to become the official “oiler” for the Circ de Soliel, a position that will put you in close proximity to Russian contortionists and lycra Spandex.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Your sports dreams will come true this coming year, as your favorite college football team will go undefeated and vie for the national championship. Unfortunately, you won’t be able to fully enjoy it because of the nagging feeling that you have developed a romantic crush on the starting quarterback and the mascot. Sometime in June you’re going to lose your wallet in a crowded place.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Will 2006 go down in your personal history as “The Year of Being Inconsiderate?” You betcha! Friends, relatives, coworkers and casual acquaintances will all be shocked by your complete lack of concern for others’ needs, wants, schedules, financial situations, health or feelings. Perhaps the highlight will come at your father’s 80th birthday when you opt to go on a sex safari to Eastern Europe instead of showing up for the party.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Your humanitarian deeds will have others talking in the New Year. For instance, you’ll be roundly praised by the barflies at a local dive after buying all those pathetic losers shot after shot during a Mardi Gras bender. Later in the year, an exceptionally unattractive individual will sing your name to the heavens after you lower yourself to sex that person up one drunken evening.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Mother may know best, but she’s never had the kind of fun that’s coming your way in 2006. If you listened to your mama, you’d probably never embark upon the non-stop roller coaster of sex, drugs, rock-n-roll, sex and sex the New Year holds. Of course, Mom’s going to get her chance to gloat in 2007 when it becomes a non-stop roller coaster ride of antibiotics, painful tests, rehab and Miracle Ear purchases.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Financial successes await you in the New Year! That obscure stock hits big. The play you back is a smash! The horse you bet on wins the Derby! Your are Midas, and I ain’t talking ‘bout no mufflers, baby! Everything you touch turns to gold, except your teeth. You don’t play that way. Nothing but pearly white choppers for you! By the way, Dr. Z could use a small low-interest loan.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22)

At some point in 2006, people are going to become very, very sick of all this King Kong hype, and when it happens, you’re going to be there to rub it in somebody’s face. Whose face? Does it really matter? As long as you’re able to say to someone somewhere that you “called” it, that’s all that counts. A long, lost relative shows up sometime this summer looking for a kidney. Don’t do it.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Your life-long obsession with stupid novelty gifts comes to a head this year and makes you fabulously wealthy when you develop and sell “Fart in a Jar” to the Spencer’s Gifts chain. This cleverly packaged “gag” gift combines a simple glass jar with some humorous labeling to create a super hot joke gift. Do not try to parlay your success into “Burp in a Jar,” unless you’re ready to lose serious cash.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)

Love is in the stars this coming year. Finally, no more lonely nights watching reruns of “Golden Girls” while eating pounds of chocolate and drinking wine straight from the bottle. Now you can while away the hours gazing into your lover’s eyes, running your fingers through your lover’s hair and obsessing about how your lover is going to screw you over! Love, life’s sweetest reward. We’re expecting you, so come aboard.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21)

Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, you will soar to new heights in the coming year. Unlike the mythical Phoenix, you will be rising from the ashes spilled across the top of a LoDa bar. Mostly you’ll rise to ask for a refill. The year would be a blur if it weren’t for your deepening admiration for WPMI news anchor Peter Albrecht. Somehow Pete’s steady voice and personality will pull you through. Thanks in advance, Pete!

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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