Dr. Zodiac

By Dr. Zodiac

Astrology guy

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – If you were thinking about stepping on that plane, don’t. Maine can wait. I know, I know, but the Lobster Fest, right? Well my friend, if you fly, you’ll be swimming with the fishes, then people will be fishing for you and you’ll be served up at that beloved lobster fest. Wouldn’t it be so “Fried Green Tomato”-esque though? So maybe I’m wrong, get on the plane.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Have you ever felt the sudden urge to take a dump when you’re in a library? All the old dusty books, the paper, and the menacing silence just get to you. But beware. When that thunder rumbles, you’ll discover the only bathroom in the library is a single, and some old lady has the same idea as you. Boy, will that take a while. And trust me, it will not want to go back up, so get the hell out of there.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – The stars will find you popping in that tape of Tae Bo this weekend. Is it because you’ve gained 20 pounds in the last three months, or because your boyfriend left you four months ago and you’re lonely? In a time of desperation, who can say “no” to blue metallic spandex? From what I hear, it’s all the rage right now. A friend has a venereal disease, which delights you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – You will be stopped by a homeless man who says he’s your father. You probably wouldn’t believe him if only you didn’t smell the stench of scotch in his beard when you hug him. It will bring you back to the days of waking your father up off the couch at four in the afternoon so he could drive you to your volleyball game. Though you know Pops died of cirrhosis 15 years ago, you’ll still bring this old charmer to dinner and then maybe over to your place for a nightcap.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) – Go to the beach this weekend. While walking through the sand, you will stumble upon a book. This book will bring you much success…in the bedroom. After that, get Chinese takeout and watch the “The Joy Luck Club” in the comfort of your own home. Spend some time working on those toenails, too. Those things look like they should be in the Smithsonian on one of those wax cavemen. Yikes!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) – How many times have you said you were going to clean out the garage? Well now’s the time to start, because from what I hear, the police have been suspicious, your wife has the summer off and has been talking every night to her girlfriends about how she’s been worried about you going to the garage. It’s about time to clean out that stash of animal porn you’ve been collecting over the years. Besides, beastiality is so three years ago, man. Remember – breath mints, breath mints, breath mints.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21) – You will find yourself at a local hangout jamming out to the crappy band that for some reason thought they were worth five dollars a head. All of sudden you will look down and find yourself playing the air clarinet, something you thought you misplaced in the eighth grade.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – With the temperature rising, you will find yourself perched on your front yard spraying the grass with a hose until you start sinking in the mud. You will also have your shirt off. Make an appointment for a waxing. No, not just for the chest, for the whole thing.

Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18) – “When a Man Loves a Woman”. This is the tune you will be belting out at this weekend’s karaoke challenge. You will drink one too many Shirley Temples and pass out under a table where rats prefer to defecate. If you are lucky, the bouncer will throw you on a bus and you will end up on the street corner from where you came.

Pisces (Feb. 19- March 20) – Someone likes calling your cell phone from time to time whispering sweet nothings that you haven’t heard in years. Or wait a second. Maybe it is you who is calling someone whispering sweet nothings. Who can keep track these days. Except your whispering sounds more like gurgled grunts and a car breaking down.

Aries (March 21- April 19) – Feeling desperate to see pictures of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s new-born baby Bradgelina, or whatever weird name they probably named it? I bet not as desperate as Jennifer Aniston. Man, that’s gotta hurt. You will go see her new movie, “The Breakup” just because you want to show support when she needs it the most.

Taurus (April 20- May 20) – You will get chronic neck pain from sleeping on the couch every night after falling asleep to your new DVD collection of 80’s hit series “Highway to Heaven” starring the late Michael Landon. You wish you had an angel watching over you until you realize that angels can read minds. You will retract this wish because then you realize you would feel guilty about picturing what your angel would look like naked.

Dr Zodiac is a mysterious denizen of downtown Mobile who publishes exclusively in Lagniappe.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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