Dr. Zodiac

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Looking for something new in your life? Get in your car and head on over to Hardee’s and brighten up your life with their new Philly Steak Thickburger. Your stomach will party like it’s 1999. Adopt a pet. But be sure to get one that won’t look at you with its judging eyes when you watch the movie RENT for the third weekend in a row.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Parties can be so dull sometimes. Next time you’re at one, stuff as many marshmallows as possible into your mouth and then say “Sailboat” three times. Trust me, it’s a surefire way to get friends. Then say, “Anybody want some hot chocolate?” Tell them to follow you into the bathroom to get a cup.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – When your kid breaks your favorite Sam Jones commemorative plate this weekend, that’s when it’s going to hit you; the regret of pawning in that gun. Thank goodness you already have a whole collection of local government memorabilia, so let this one fly. Consider building a privacy fence to give yourself some space.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) – Do you think that you have been watching too many daytime soap operas? Do you think perhaps the characters on these daytime soap operas are your only friends? Well, they are. Get off the couch and go outside. Also, consider planting a huge azalea plant outside your house to keep your neighbors from finding out about your residual tail.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) – Pants can be so restricting. So can restraining orders. Join the big brother/sister program and make a difference in a little person’s life. You can bring them to the park or to the zoo. Just don’t go into the bat den, because bats might fly and get stuck in your huge outdated afro.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21) – Maybe you should take a picnic in Municipal Park. There are a few drawbacks though. If you go during the day, you might get attacked by geese. If you go at night, you might get attacked by people. It depends on your preference.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Preparing for bathing suit season? You might want to put down the Snickers and run around the block about, I don’t know, a hundred times. The only bathing suit I would recommend for you is a garbage bag. You don’t want to be too revealing now, do you? Remember what your mother told you. Nobody will want to buy the cow if you’re giving the milk away for free.

Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18) – Prepared for alligator hunting season? Head on over to Wal-Mart and purchase some new camouflage costumes. Just go all out! Empty the savings account. This will only happen once in your lifetime. Kind of like that time you thought you saw a nipple in Channel 15’s newscast.

Pisces (Feb. 19- March 20) – You will strongly consider growing out your sideburns to resemble Blues Traveler John Popper’s chops. But then you’ll realize you’ll look more like Michael J. Fox from Teen Wolf. You might just want to pick up the harmonica instead.

Aries (March 21- April 19) – Did you forget Father’s Day? Don’t worry there will always be next year. But that’s what you said last year. “The Cosby Show” DVD set will be a perfect choice so you can show your dad how he could never live to up to the expectations of Bill Cosby.

Taurus (April 20- May 20) – You will decide to go roller skating. You will reminisce about the days when you would get lucky on the rink with that 13-year-old from down the street. Nostalgia will strike even stronger as the assistant manager escorts you out while you grope for a paper towel. Roller skating was a bad idea.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Chances are there will be a thunderstorm this weekend and your power will go out. Great opportunity to clean out the refrigerator. Besides, you’ve already cleared out the liquor cabinet twice this week. Budum-ching. Seriously, lay off the sauce.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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