By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

Well, maybe the terrorists have won.

I don’t know how else to feel after reading in the mullet wrapper yesterday that Clarke County is spending $7,000 a year to insure itself against attacks by foreign terrorist groups. (Hey don’t take offense mullet wrapper employees, Lagniappe’s only good for wrapping flounder.)

Yes, that’s right. Seven Gs to protect a rural Alabama county from Osama and the boys, the Islamic Jihad, The Shining Path and Amway. (According to my Encyclopedia of Terrorism, one of those might not actually be a foreign terrorist group, but they sound scary, so I threw them in.)

The report said the county commissioners debated furiously as to the necessity of spending $7,000 annually to protect the county’s buildings and 27,000 residents from foreign terrorism, but eventually all the commissioners lost their minds at the same time and voted to do it. What the hell, it’s ONLY $7,000. And, it’s 7,000 TAXPAYER dollars at that!

As Buddy Sharpless, executive director of the Association of County Commissions of Alabama, was quoted saying, “ If they have an event, they’ll look like brilliant people.”

I suppose that’s true enough. In fact, on the scale, they might appear to be the polar opposites, brilliance-wise, of the foreign terrorist organization that spent millions gearing up an international operation, breaching our borders, avoiding detection for months and possibly sacrificing lives to bomb the courthouse in Grove Hill.

When I read the story, I was reminded of an episode of “The Simpsons” where a slick-talking salesman sold the tiny town of Springfield on a monorail system that essentially went nowhere. I can picture a city-slicker terror insurance salesman coming before the Clarke County commissioners and spooking them with stories about how Osama’s latest message included a veiled threat against the county fairgrounds. I bet that salesman was drawn there by the superfluous “E” at the end of Clarke—sensing an inherent wastefulness.

Of course the cynic in me expects “the rest of the story” to be that one of the commissioners’ cousins just happens to sell terrorism insurance. But I’ll suspend such thoughts for a moment, and work from the concept that these folks might just be woefully inept, stupid or unduly frightened of foreign terrorists. Maybe some of these commissioners saw a guy down at the Wally World and thought he looked a lot like Bin Laden. Heck, nobody knows where he is. What better place to hide than Jackson? Maybe when the new phone books come out, some of the commissioners furiously leaf through the pages looking to see if a listing of “Laden, O. Ben” appears.

I can just imagine those frightened Clarke County commissioners peeping out their windows at night after the cattle make strange noises, looking for turbaned evil-doers on the lawn. I’m sure they keep the ol’ peacemaker close to the bed at night.

But even if they are all scared of terrorists, don’t they have any real concept of what makes an attractive terrorist target? Can you imagine what might go down at the planning sessions deep in a cave at Tora Bora?

Osama: “We will attack Clarke County, Alabama and bring glory to Allah!” (Then he’ll do that crazy high-pitched tongue thing I can’t possibly spell.)

Frightened underling: “But, Your Insaneness, there are few people there.”

Osama: “Perhaps you have never been to the Four-H meetings in Jackson on a Wednesday night, Abdullah. It is a beehive of activity!”

Frightened underling: “But, Your Insaneness, Clarke County is in the middle of nowhere. Our people will look very suspicious.”

Osama: “We will have them wear black hats and tell the foolish Americans they are Amish.”

Frightened underling: “But, Your Insaneness, the Clarke County Americans have terrorism insurance.”

Osama: “Dang! OK, we’ll just blow up Disney World instead.”

Now I will readily admit I’ve never met any of the Clarke County commissioners, nor have I covered one of their meetings. They may, in fact, be some of the nicest, most forward-thinking individuals anywhere north of Satsuma, but the purchase of this insurance is surely just an absolute waste of public funds. Even Commission Chairman Rhondell Rhone said “I don’t foresee an attack happening, but you can sleep better knowing that if something did happen, we’d have coverage.”

Well, I suppose every Clarke countian can nestle down into the pillow knowing they won’t be on the hook for tax dollars to rebuild the county courthouse when the terrorists come a-calling. But wouldn’t those same people sleep easier knowing county buildings had special riders insuring them against meteor damage, blizzards and grizzly bear attack? Then again, if sleeping easier is the ultimate goal, maybe the commission could just buy the entire populace a prescription for Ambien.

Were I a resident of Clarke County, I might sleep easier knowing the people elected to spend my tax dollars had better sense than to just throw seven grand away so they can look like they’re doing something to fight terrorism.

But, if the Clarke County commission is itching to waste more money protecting themselves from the improbable, I’m willing to sell them some Giant Monkey Attack insurance cheap. I promise they’ll sleep easier knowing they have it, and I will too.

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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