Dr. Zodiac

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – You feel completely justified in your usage of personal stimulants after learning conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh was busted with a stash of Viagra prescribed to someone else. You know what they say, it’s good to find something that puts lead in your pencil. All you’ve got to do then is to find someone to write to. A cheerful relative gives you a headache.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- Your recent trip to the local animal shelter will leave you haunted – haunted by the soul of the family pet you left behind! How could you?! Mr. Whiskers only pooped in the air conditioning return a few times and shredded your bed sheets once. Did he really deserve the Auschwitz treatment? Well, perhaps you’re right, he did suck as a pet. Oh well, there’s always goldfish and they’re just a flush away from glory.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) -People in your neighborhood are talking about the new neighbor who wears nothing but surgical scrubs and looks like he eats steroids by the handful. Mostly what they’re saying is that they think this menacing individual hates you in particular. Why? Who knows. Maybe it’s because you took those pictures of him with your camera-phone. Anyway, look out! A four-course meal turns into a three-roll diarrhea-fest next week. Yuck!

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Romance is blooming for you at the neighborhood Taco Bell. No sooner had you ordered a super chalupa last week, than you noticed a very attractive stranger ordering the same thing. Take it up a nacho next week (ha, ha!) and see if this is sheer coincidence or gastronomic kismet. Get a super gordita, a bean burrito, a steak soft taco supreme and lots of fire sauce and see if your would-be lover follows suit. Love and indigestion will develop.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – While sifting through the change you received from your purchase of smoke bombs this Fourth of July, you will notice a 1976 bicentennial commemorative quarter. After the necessary long division you hypothesize the tricentennial will be in 2076. But don’t worry because you’ll be dead by then. A call from a telemarketer brings joy into your life – and a stalker!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) -As friends urge you to ride the bull at that new hangout this weekend, think twice. On one hand, you could look pretty good up there and have all the redneck guys drooling over you. But on the other hand, you could lose your grip and fall off, kind of half dangling while the bull is still going, and the redneck guys will still be drooling over you. You should probably stick to the jukebox.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – “Do, or do not. There is no try.” – Yoda. Repeating this to your kids will cause them to build a deep resentment towards you. Later this week you will strongly contemplate purchasing a clearance T-shirt from Wal-Mart with cute kittens and American flags all over it that says, “Purrr-tect Your Freedom.” But the thought of grandma stealing it out of your laundry basket will make you throw it to the ground with disgust. Your astrologer will quote Yoda.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – This weekend you will find yourself taking 21 red, white and blue shots. That’s one plus seven plus seven plus six. True, the Fourth is over, but this is what your liver gets when Independence Day falls on a weekday. The lyrics to only the refrain of “Proud to be an American” will suddenly come to you on the sixth shot and you will weep thinking of sharing a drink with Lee Greenwood, the beloved Canadian.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – You will develop a steamy crush on David Hasselhoff while you watch the new hit, “America’s Got Talent.” Sure he’s a little bit older now, but those eyes. Thinking of “Baywatch” has got you cruising in your car going to the beach. Running in the sand probably doesn’t look very sexy when you could stand to lose a few, but you know if Hasselhoff was with you, he wouldn’t care what you looked like because he is an all-forgiving god.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Nothing says “independence” like celebrating the Fourth of July at your parent’s house. While biting into your third freedom weenie you realize that you’re beginning to notice your cousin’s presence a little too much. Forget it man. Remember, no war has ever been fought over an adage that began with “Nothin’ says lovin’...” Besides, who needs two-headed babies that cause your parents and your aunt and uncle to hate one another?

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) -During an upcoming weekend in the slammer, you get to know former school board member David Thomas in a much more personal way. No, not in that prison rape kind of way, just in a “two prisoners trying to relieve themselves in an unenclosed bathroom” kind of way. Despite your post-jail feelings, don’t accept a ride home from him. It’s not safe. A lucky break comes when you least need it.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Inspired by some loopy local chicks, you decide to save as many pit bulldogs from being “put to sleep” as possible. You break into the animal shelter at night and free several of the noble-but-misunderstood beasts. They attack you and eat off your lower lip in thanks. At least it keeps you from dipping tobacco anymore. Thanks killer dogs! You’ve been saved from painful lip cancer! The Fourth is over, stop asking people if they want to salute “Old Glory.”

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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