Dr. Zodiac

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Someone you admire has recently gotten out of jail – actually he’s gotten out of jail twice – and you’re looking to do something nice for him. Agree to be his official drunk driver for a month. Or you could just try keeping him from doing something else dumb that lands him in the slammer. Look to the east for answers. Sounds cryptic, doesn’t it? It is.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Eavesdropping will land you in hot water when your boss catches you listening in on a top-secret conversation. It’s not so much that you were listening, it’s that you were hiding behind curtains in the boss’ office that ticks him off. New underwear brings a new outlook. You develop an insatiable craving for hummus in the coming weeks, which brings you to the attention of Homeland Security. Not good.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – You’ve seen Al Gore’s movie, “An Inconvenient Truth,” and it’s making you sweat. You’ve developed psychosomatic global warming symptoms, which cause you to feel justified in wearing almost nothing. This would be fine if you didn’t have a body that would be highly coveted by members of the manatee family. If that truth is inconvenient to you, tough. A new pet will soil a prized family heirloom.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) – You’re still seething after your recent embarrassment at the local filming of “Antique Road Show.” OK, maybe you shouldn’t have tried to pass off one of your own creations as a Van Gogh. And maybe you should have known Van Gogh never painted crying clowns. And maybe you also should have known Van Gogh didn’t usually paint on old grocery bags. But the appraiser didn’t have to curse at you. It is a PBS show, after all.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) – Well, you’ll never be invited back there again! You’ll be lucky if you don’t get a cleaning bill for the carpets, not to mention the comforter in the guest room. And I can’t believe you did that with their good table linens! What an animal! Stick to eating off the floor of your cage, Tarzan! Coveting they neighbor’s pants isn’t forbidden in the Bible, so covet away. But keep your distance. The police might not understand.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21) -After an upcoming weekend of binge drinking, you wake up in Mexico with a tattoo of a Spanish word you don’t understand across your butt. You won’t have the guts to translate it until much, much later. Do yourself a favor and just imagine it says “Stallion.” The truth is going to hurt way more than the nasty infection you’ll get from your south of the border skin decoration. Hear that clock ticking? It’s your uterus.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – A skin condition makes you a social pariah, but you use the time along to your advantage. Primarily you spend a lot of time rubbing lotion on your incredibly nasty skin condition. The rest of the time your write poems with lots of words that rhyme with “rash,” “itchy” and “scaly.” Remember, from great pain comes great art. No one knows what comes from great itchiness. Probably not great art, though.

Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18) – You’ve begun to categorize and catalogue your drunken binges and will soon develop a decimal system for doing so. Much like the Dewey Decimal System revolutionized our nation’s libraries, so will your system help pitiful booze hounds remember their worst hurling episodes or skankiest hookup. Your brain may soon be mush, but other drunks will benefit from its final, fitful burst of creativity! Know this – you should be putting things up there!

Pisces (Feb. 19- March 20) You’ve taken to singing loudly in your car, and other motorists have noticed. Most are delighted by the carefree joy you express, but some are peeved by your odd facial tics, hand motions and the way you sideswipe them as you go by. Enjoy yourself, but take it down a notch before someone gets hurt. An ex-lover will try to contact you in the coming days with disturbing medical news.

Aries (March 21- April 19) – Stop buying hurricane supplies already! There are only so many canned goods one family can eat. You’re buying for a storm, not the apocalypse. For some strange reason, you believe a sign hanging in front of a local restaurant advertising the “Manager’s Special” is directed specifically at you. As if a manager would ever do something special for the likes of you! Please! Your lucky number is divisible by 3 and spells out a dirty word on a calculator if you hold it upside down.

Taurus (April 20- May 20) – Fumbling through old pictures of yourself from elementary school brings back memories of how such a weird and troubled kid you were. Having a finger permanently lodged up your nose doesn’t seem so normal now looking back. Chop sticks are another thing.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) -After finding out your dog has mange, you will have a profound experience that involves leaving your companion alongside some desolate looking woods. Parting is such sweet sorrow, and that’s why you’ll get the sudden urge for Dairy Queen. You’ve been dying to try it out after hearing a fellow respected coworker go on and on about their new delicious blizzards.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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