Dr. Zodiac

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)- Your efforts to enter a fish you bought at a local seafood market in the Alabama Deep Sea Fishing Rodeo were successful, but you’re still nagged by the idea you may eventually be found out. It only seems like a matter of time before the judges realize the fish was already fried when you turned it in. Your lawn will wither in the August heat, as will your hair plugs.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – People are laughing at the ridiculous new “veneers” you got on your teeth. You think you look sexy, but everyone else thinks you look like you’re trying to swallow broken pieces of toilet porcelain. Perhaps if they weren’t so damn big. If God had wanted you to have teeth that big, he would have had your mother sex up a beaver! The good news is bigger hair can help offset those goofy chompers.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – The jets constantly landing at Brookley Field all night long have taken a toll on your home life. The kids are constantly waking up and your spouse is sleep deprived, which means you’re getting no lovin’. The term “stinger missile” keeps running through your mind, but get those thoughts of violence out of your mind. Just tell your lover it’s time to join the “Mile High Club” and, voila!, you’ve made lemonade out of lemons.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – An especially dopey friend will somehow manage to beat you at Trivial Pursuit in the coming week, and it will shatter your self image. All this time, you thought your mastery of Trivial Pursuit means you are actually smarter than everyone else. The realization that someone dumb can beat you , has you reeling. Next stop? Quitting your high-paying job to fry burgers at Hardees. At least you won’t have to worry about playing Trivial Pursuit there.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) -Your sick and tired of people saying Mayor Sam Jones is boring and uninspired! Maybe they don’t know the Sam Jones you do – the Sam Jones who likes to wear sexy underwear and likes to play dirty Scrabble. Of course the Sam Jones you know isn’t the mayor, but operates the mechanical bull at The Whiskey. Still, you figure the mayor has to be pretty racy if he shares a name with a freak like that. Buy a hat next week.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – A false sense of security is beginning to set in that this Hurricane Season is going to spare your trailer from additional harm. That security will be dashed this week not by a hurricane, but by a mild afternoon shower that turns your trailer over into a nearby retention pond. But look on the bright side, at least you don’t have to live in a trailer anymore. A friend has sticky fingers.

AQUARIUS ( Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Please change ears occasionally when using the cell phone. You’ve already noticed a slight thickening of your left ear and the future shows you looking like you’ve got a cauliflower attached to your skull. While dining out later this week, the server will slip you a dirty message with the bill. Unfortunately, when you take the server up on the offer later, you will be slipped something else dirty. A cricket ruins your sleep several nights in a row.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – You’re spending an inordinate amount of time keeping track of gasoline prices and talking about them to other people. What are you, a 85-year-old man? No one wants to hear about how they can save three cents per gallon by driving half way across town to the Wal-Mart gas station. Unless you’re filling up the Queen Mary, it doesn’t matter. Go back to bitching about the cost of milk and leave the rest of us alone.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Your calls to the Press-Register’s “Sound Off” column have been routinely printed, causing you great pride, but also great nervousness. Your afraid you could lose the magic at any moment and never make a “Sound Off” again. Fear not! As long as there is a “Sound Off,” there will be a need for redneck ignoramuses. Your position is safe! Please stop putting things there!

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Standing in line recently for hours to see if you could make it on “Deal or No Deal” wasn’t a complete waste of time. Host Howie Mandel will see outtakes of your tryout and will fall instantly in love with you. Soon, you’ll have the bald, soul-chip-wearing host wrapped around your little finger. And when he asks, be sure to close the “deal.” An irritant gives you a nasty rash.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) -Your skills with the opposite sex are at an all-time high right now. Put them to good use! Free dinners, free drinks and free nookie await. But beware of taking too much advantage, because a cold streak is just around the corner and if you burn too many bridges now, it’s going to get ugly later. Your boss has put cameras in the bathrooms at work. Just letting you know.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – The worst thing you could do right now is forget your dream. In your case, your dream is to be able to ride those scooters at Wal-Mart that they only give to the morbidly obese. I know you’re not quite there yet, but with a little tenacity and a lot of ice cream, you’ll be scooting around Wally World like a low-rent Dale Earnhardt in no time. Someone owes you lots of money for a Taco Bell purchase. Collect now!

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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