Dr. Zodiac

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Beer Fest is coming up soon and that means people will be talking about what you did last year. True, it’s going to be hard to live down your drunken rampage where you asserted that “Foreign beers cause all the hangovers in the world!” But maybe this year you can behave a little better. At least if you get pulled over this year, try not to scream “I own Tillman’s Corner, sugar tits!”

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – People keep wondering where Mayor Sam Jones is these days, but you know the truth. You’ve had the mayor tied up in your guest room for the past three weeks, hoping he might somehow warm to your personality and become your friend. Don’t count on it. Sam’s pissed. Better let him go and renew your crush on County Commissioner Steve “The Hammer” Nodine. He likes being tied up.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) – You’re terrified a check of your testosterone levels could ruin your reputation. Relax! Very few lawyers have their testosterone checked, especially female attorneys. So juice up and forget it. A friend has a secret – a secret that involves sniffing your underwear when you’re out of your home. Ooops, I guess it’s not a secret anymore. Get one of those gold “grills” rappers wear on their teeth. Very cool.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) – A dry cleaning problem will have you furious with the business owner and yelling obscenities like Mel Gibson after a twelve-pack. Only after you’ve reflected upon the owner’s wife and children and their potential likeness to orangutans, will you realize you were in the wrong initially. To make up for your gaffe, you give the owner the keys to your car and leave town. Regis Philbin causes migraine headaches.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21) – You’ll soon get a DUI while heading home from a night of revelry. Just when it looks like you’re going to have the hammer dropped on you, in steps Circuit Court Judge Herman Thomas. At first you’re confused because you and Herman aren’t even remotely related, but then it becomes clear the judge just likes getting drunks off the hook. From now on, you’ll keep Herman’s number on speed dial!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – New clothes make you feel especially sexy for a romantic dinner next weekend, that is until someone else walks into the restaurant wearing the exact same outfit. You try to hide your anger, but it’s hard when even the waiter points it out. A lousy tip is in his future! As for the sartorial doppelganger, you put an end to the trouble by accidentally spilling your wine as you pass by on your way to the restroom. Problem solved!

Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18) – It’s important to learn to help yourself. Others can’t always do things for you. This is even true of sex. Sadly. Dr. Z has learned this the hard way, no pun intended. Did you know an octopus can have sex with itself? That sounds true. If it’s not, who cares? Really the point is that even deep-sea invertebrates are lonely. So how do you overcome it? You don’t. Just get comfortable with yourself.

Pisces (Feb. 19- March 20) – It’s back to school time, which means you’re finally going to get some rest now that your rugrats are someone else’s problem. So what to do with your days now that you’re not watching “Spongebob Squarepants” or listening to someone whine incessantly? Well, why not drink? You enjoy it, and you’re good at it! But if that doesn’t float your boat, the casinos are just an hour away! Gambling is much more exciting than cartoons.

Aries (March 21- April 19) – Live each day as if you’re on a reality television show – you know, like people are watching. Wear funny hats, rip your clothes off for no apparent reason, drink during the day, fight with housemates and bedhop. No, it might not win you an Emmy, nor will it make you wildly popular, but it will give you something to do. Yes, your breath does indeed smell as bad as the back of your hand. Brush!

Taurus (April 20- May 20) – There’s a reason you have a suspicious mind, and it ain’t because you listen to old Elvis songs. The people who surround you, by and large, should be locked up for various and sundry crimes against humanity. Don’t leave your wallet or your significant other lying around unprotected for very long or they’ll be gone. Indian summer is almost here. So is Suzanne Somers.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – What is the sound of one hand clapping? Well, I really don’t know what the hell that means, but I’m sure it should mean something to you. Spend a few days getting stoned and floating in a swimming pool on a raft and try to figure it out. Once you do, the secrets of the cosmos will come spilling into your head, provided you don’t get too baked and fall off your raft and drown. You will have very, very sexy dreams about Donald Rumsfeld.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – You’ve heard Robin Williams is going to rehab, so off you go too. Nothing would make you happier than getting close to the funny man and letting him get into one of his ridiculous, frenetic rants, then slapping the hell out of him. Speaking of celebrities, don’t be giving O.J. Simpson any lap dances if he shows up on Dauphin Street in the coming weeks. It’s just trashy and besides, he might cut your head off. Eat meat and wear fur.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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