Dr. Zodiac

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – You are once again fascinated by the JonBenet Ramsey murder case. It took 10 long years for you to stop reading about the case, and now you’re sucked back in. What’s next? Will you start watching “Nancy Grace” every night? Will you dress like a tiny beauty pageant contestant again? The whole thing is rushing back. Time to start your medication again. A so-called friend has stolen your favorite T-shirt.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) – Your boss is making ridiculous requests again. It seems his majesty wants you to hand-deliver a newspaper to his office each day, so he can catch up on his news. Perhaps you should go to the trouble of having a fake newspaper printed up that completely misinforms him. Ha! What fun! Imagine how dumb he’d look sitting at Rotary Club talking about Sheriff Cochran’s sex change operation or Commissioner Steve Nodine holding up a bank. What fun!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) – Did you know a homeless person has taken up residence underneath your house, sleeping the days away and snacking on potted meats just a few feet away from you? Probably not, or you would have done something about it. But before you call pest control, think about whether this poor wretch is really hurting you. Sure, the smell may start to bother you and there is the vermin issue from all those potted meat cans. But I say live and let live. Just run a hose under there so your bummy friend can bathe occasionally.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21) – Hercules was known for completing his famed seven tasks in a short period of time, and you’re no different. While your tasks are certainly less Herculean, your ability to complete them will go down in local lore. For instance, who else do you know who can eat every item at the Chinese Super Buffet on Airport Boulevard? Certainly not even Hercules himself. And ol’ Herc can’t hold a candle to you when it comes to beer guzzling. So let’s just cut to the chase and declare you a mythological creature and be done with it. Clams are fraught with danger next week.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – An ingrown hair in the wrong place will lead to most unpleasant rumors of a sexual nature being spread about you in the coming days. To avoid this eventuality, stay vigilant in your grooming and keep your clothes on until all blemishes have healed. But if you can’t do all that, keep the lights off! The stars are aligning for you in September! Expect raises, love, security and happiness! October’s going to suck, though. A hairy friend needs straight talk – and a razor.

Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18) – Someone you know has discovered your dirty little secret – that you spend lots and lots of time watching old episodes of “Full House” on Nick at Nite. (Sorry to be redundant, since there are obviously no new episodes of the show.) Soon you will be blackmailed by someone bent on cashing in on the never-ending embarrassment you’d suffer if it were known you actually enjoy John Stamos’ “acting.” When the ransom comes, do yourself a favor and pay up. And turn the channel.

Pisces (Feb. 19- March 20) – It’s back-to-school time, which means lots of annoying children out on the road during rush hour. How can you avoid being irritated by this? Stop working. Let’s face it, you don’t really like your job anyway. Stay at home and relax. Make yourself a scrambled egg sandwich. Yard work next weekend will make you very itchy. A fungus will make you very unpopular. All in all, it’s not going to be much of a weekend.

Aries (March 21- April 19) – Be sure to participate in some illegal gambling, as you are entering a very lucky cycle. In fact, bet people on just about anything. You can’t lose, unless you bet on the New Orleans Saints. They suck. A neighbor is spying on you while you undress. Give him a little show. It will improve neighborly relations. Who knows, he might even let you borrow his new lawn mower.

Taurus (April 20- May 20) – You’re beginning to let down your guard when it comes to hurricanes, and that could be bad news. I’m just screwing with you! There aren’t going to be any hurricanes this year, so live it up! Have a huge “No Hurricanes” party and eat all your storm supplies. True, turnout for this party may be low, since people aren’t exactly going to flock to your house to eat potted meat and drink water out of jugs. Party poopers.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – A new human resources person at work will unearth a few “factual errors” on your resume while trying to impress the bosses. It could prove embarrassing to you when it’s discovered you didn’t even attend, much less graduate from MIT. They’re also going to find out you weren’t MVP of Super Bowl XXIV. All the people who asked for your autograph may be pissed. Give the gift of fresh breath to others – brush your teeth.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Your dog is constantly chewing on his tail and it’s driving you crazy. You’ll take drastic action by shaving the dog’s tail, but then you’ll be embarrassed to take him for a walk because he looks like a giant rat. Pet ownership is not always easy. A hot makeout session with a stranger at a local bar earns you a reputation as a “player.” It also earns you a spot in the guest bedroom when your spouse finds out about it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – The object of your affection is coming around. Now is the time to make your move. Leave a sexy message for your would-be-lover on the voicemail at work and watch the magic. Unless the boss checks the messages, then you’ll be fired. But there’s only a slim chance of that happening. You’re more likely to be knockin’ boots than collecting unemployment, so give it a shot. Avoid musicals.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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