Dr. Zodiac

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – You get caught up in the Katie Couric hype and can’t stop watching CBS’s new anchor. It’s not that she seems especially knowledgeable or has anything particularly thought-provoking, you just like knowing she has breasts. For some reason, that’s comforting when you’re hearing about the latest terrorist plots. Maybe it’s even Freudian. A thoughtless friend steals your spouse.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) – A new study has found that women spend two-and-a-half years on their hair over a lifetime. This will prompt you to do a study to determine how much time men spend talking about fantasy football over the course of a year. Shockingly, the number actually comes out to more than a year, which seems impossible, until you realize how much fake football talk they pack into a minute. Someone dear to you gets hemorrhoids.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) – You can’t believe it’s happened, but you’ve actually fallen in love with your FEMA inspector, even though you totally got screwed on money for your home. Something about the “sexy inspecty,” as you’ve dubbed this heartless bureaucrat, has you ready to run away to the next disaster site so you can stand by supportively while more ruined families are told the government can’t help.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21) – You’ve finally found your dream house in historic Oakleigh, and what makes it even more special is the constant presence of hookers wandering by as they solicit any number of transient workers or just plain lowdown drug addicts. The fun of watching the action will be ruined by the police “busting” these hard-working ladies. People have to mess up everything. At least you’ll still have your memories.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – The popularity of the movie “Snakes on a Plane” leads you to try your own fun combination. However, few will find “Nutria at a Waffle House” as amusing as you. Please scrap all plans for “Cockroaches in your daughter’s bedroom,” unless you like screaming. Your drunk uncle borrows your car next week and returns it with pieces of scalp and hair on the bumper. Don’t ask questions, just scrub.

Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18) – You will lose major brownie points with your father after you buy him some fancy fishing equipment for his birthday, then proceed to throw it into the Bay while trying to demonstrate how to use it. He’ll have the same look on his face as he did when you grew a mullet. You’ve developed a crush on one of the people working at the Taco Bell drive-thru. Hurry up and make your move. Going through the drive-thru five times a day is going to make you bell-shaped.

Pisces (Feb. 19- March 20) -Things around work are getting more and more tense as the bosses try to find “The Rat” who is giving away company secrets to the competition. This makes you especially sweaty, given the fact that you bear certain ratlike characteristics. There’s also the fact that you’ve been rifling through the boss’ e-mails while he’s out playing golf every other day. You’re worrying too much. If things get really tight, frame up that weird guy in accounting.

Aries (March 21- April 19) – Dating multiple people is getting harder and harder to pull off. You’ve almost called all of them by the wrong names, and you’re running out of restaurants where they might not know you. There’s only one thing to do – move. Start running your scams in another town. That should buy you some time. The slow Hurricane Season has you down. You’re not getting to see WPMI weatherman David Glenn enough. Bummer.

Taurus (April 20- May 20) – An old flame re-enters your life, but not in a way that is even remotely romantic or exciting. It seems your ex has decided to sue you for emotional anguish caused during your lovemaking sessions when you demanded that you both dress as “Star Wars” characters. This could be embarrassing. Chances are you’re going to end up on “Nancy Grace.” A new ice cream flavor improves your life.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – The demotion of Pluto as a planet has completely screwed you! For instance, before the demotion, you were supposed to meet your soul mate next week. Now, you’re going to have a colonoscopy. Previously you were all set to win the lottery this month. Now, you’re going to be employing Herman Padget for your bankruptcy hearings. The heavens are tricky business, people shouldn’t mess with them lightly.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – You’ve fallen for City Councilwoman Connie Hudson’s no-nonsense ways and long to be disciplined by her. So you will move to her district and let your property go to hell in hopes she’ll write you some kind of letter threatening you with action if you don’t clean up. You’ll write her back saying, “Yes Connie, I very, very dirty!” You will be arrested and your property will be seized.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – You need a way to make more money and are sorely tempted to sell AmWay products. The problem in your thinking is that you will get more money from the sales. This isn’t true. The reason you will have more money is because you will have fewer friends asking you to do things with them. Did you know all of your clothes are out of style? Now you do. No more excuses.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

Archives