Dr. Zodiac

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) – Your coffee addiction has reached a new high. You plan a route to work that will include stopping at six different Starbucks when the ambitious coffeehouse kingdom has finished construction. You have so much caffeine this week that you suffer insomnia and read Bill Clinton’s biography seven times. Your mother-in-law visits and finds your stack of midget porn.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) – The steady decline of gas prices has you more excited than Sam Jones at Golden Corral. You take all your buddies out to celebrate, and spend so much on booze that, ironically, you can’t even afford gas to get home. In a drunken rage, you try to convince the gas station clerk to give you gas for free. She calls the police who promptly drag you to jail. Running out of toilet paper in jail really sucks.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21) – You are driving yourself insane trying to predict when Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married. You check celebrity gossip Web sites every hour, and your boss is not amused. Fearing the loss of your job, you arrange for a male coworker to distract her throughout the day. Your boss realizes how much she likes him and gives him a hefty raise. You get intense food poisoning from Chinese take out.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Mourning the loss of the world’s greatest wildlife conservationist, you start training to be the next Steve Irwin. You drive down to the Dauphin Island Estuarium and sneak into the turtle tank. Before the staff notices, a soft-shell turtle has nearly nibbled your toe off, and you severely injure three other turtles in your attempt to escape. Being an environmentalist it not as easy as you thought.

Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18) – As you search your closet for your most provocative outfit to catch Michael Bolton’s eye at BayFest, you realize the clothes in it are not yours. You aren’t even in your bedroom. Whose house is this, anyway? Let this be a lesson to you: never accept a ride from MC Hammer’s “backup dancer” while intoxicated. Later this month, you find erotic pleasure in sea otters.

Pisces (Feb. 19- March 20) – It is almost October. Time to go down to the Halloween outlets for the perfect costume! Freddy Kreuger just isn’t scary enough anymore, so you opt for the Rosie O’Donnell mask. You take Rosie downtown to test her out and randomly perform in the drag show at Bebob’s. Hyped about people putting money in your various orifices, you quit your job and devote all your time to perfecting your performance.

Aries (March 21- April 19) – Nicole Richie’s recent bout of anorexia has inspired you to develop a campaign against eating disorders. You call all the local high schools in an attempt to schedule lectures, but your sketchy sex-offender background gets in the way. You resort to distributing pamphlets, which are repeatedly thrown in your face. Apparently “Skinny bitches go to Hell!” is a horrible slogan.

Taurus (April 20- May 20) – Your current fling drops your toothbrush in the toilet this week. All of your fruit and vegetables inexplicable rot overnight. You catch every light on Airport Boulevard, and your dog develops ovarian cancer. The stars are not in your favor this week, buddy, so batten down the hatches and invest in lots of beer. Take extra caution when engaging in bank transactions.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – With the alignment of Venus and the second ring on Saturn, love is in your future. Quit going to the Cimarron Club and love will finally find you. To maximize your suave factor for this rare affair, start bathing regularly again. It would also be a good idea to avoid mentioning your recent relationship with your cousin. You gain a new appreciation for the ficus tree at work.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Harassing the produce guy at Bruno’s has resulted in a big fat restraining order. Fear not, though, as there is a pretty inconspicuous place to spy on him in the shrubs next to his house. Singing Spice Girls songs at the top of your lungs will arouse suspicion from the neighbors. Stop going to Catholic churches just to put lipstick on Jesus and the Virgin Mary. At least genuflect.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – For the next seven days, call Sean Sullivan at 92 ZEW on your way to work. Ask to speak to Jolene Roxbury. If he refuses, explain to him how you think his family closely resembles a herd of sasquatch. He will appreciate it. If the end of summer gets you down, suppress your urge to take a swim by the cruise terminal. Isn’t that why you got arrested last time?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Practicing a different accent every day will get you a promotion at work. Educate yourself on the various offensive words in each culture and use them excessively. Don’t hesitate to explain their meaning. Convincing your boss that you have Tourette’s syndrome could get you a sympathy raise. Encourage your friends to drag race with you on the interstate: danger is your new best friend.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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