Dr. Zodiac

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

The recent FBI announcement that they’re really cracking down on child pornography has you a bit worried. Not because you like kiddie porn, but because you figure the next logical step is a crackdown on old lady porn. Relax. No one’s coming after your collection of “Grannies Gone Wild.” A third nipple appears on your torso next week, earning you near legendary status among the singles community.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb.18)

Your doctor seems to be taking a little too long giving you a physical, which means either love or skin cancer. We’ll try not to be cynical and go with the love thing. Beware though, dating a doctor is no walk in the park. There’s the constant phone calls, late-night rounds and worry about fingers that have been in places they shouldn’t. By your medial lover some latex gloves and let love rule!

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Lately you just can’t get over the way the Shiites shafted the Kurds in the big Iraqi elections. It reminds you so much of when that bitch Sally Peterson won student government president in high school, even though it was obvious the football team stuffed the ballot box. You can’t help thinking the Shiites were sleeping with the whole football team, just like Sally. And you know what? You’re right.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

The more you see beleaguered former HealthSouth Corp. leader Richard Scrushy as lavish lives are ripped apart by federal investigators, they more you realize how you’re just not cut out to run a Fortune 500 company. Who wants the aggravation? Besides, your gig at TGI Fridays is pretty sweet! When it comes to making new friends, a common love of the Cure will be your calling card. Eat Pop Tarts for happiness.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

There’s still a bit of Christmas turkey lurking in the back of the old fridge. You’ve got a choice to make — heave that bit of bird, or spend next Christmas in Pinecrest Cemetery. I think you’ll make the right choice. Be careful returning an unwanted Christmas gift because you’re likely to run into the giver while you’re at the store. If this happens, try to hit your friend hard enough to cause amnesia. That works, sometimes.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

A married friend is hitting on you, and it’s making you nervous. It’s not that you wouldn’t like to have an affair, but more that your friend is horribly unattractive. Isn’t this situation really your fault, though? Dr. Zodiac NEVER has friends who are horribly unattractive, just in case something like this happens. Rule #1: You should always be able to drink your friends beautiful within a standard evening of boozing. And that goes for both men and women!

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Efforts to get “ripped” in the New Year have hit a snag. It seems working out isn’t as easy as you imagined. First, just getting workout clothes that don’t look stupid is a chore. Secondly, you don’t like to sweat. Forget getting ripped and just get some bigger clothes. You’ll look thinner and it will happen overnight. Two people you know are about to start selling Amway. Change your phone number.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22)

The first sign of alcoholism is constant drunkenness. Of course, the second sign is losing your car while constantly being drunk, which, come to think of it, isn’t such a bad thing. Your experience with this state of inebriation will lead to financial security when you invent The Car Clapper, a device that allows drunks to find their cars simply by clapping, or sort of clapping. Soon, you’ll be so loaded with cash that you can pay someone else to find your car when you’re loaded with booze.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You’re still hung over from the New Year’s debauchery, and it’s got you in Dutch with the boss. When you’re called onto the carpet for poor performance due to your sad state, it might be a good idea to pretend you have MS or some other terrible disease. Sure, it might mean using a walker or wheelchair during the rest of your tenure with the company, but it will buy you time. A good friend has herpes.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)

Your love of animals borders on the extreme. Do yourself a favor, get them out of your bed, your shower and your underwear drawer! You’ll have more time for human companionship if you do this. Constant flirting with a server at a local restaurant will soon net you a free appetizer. Aren’t you the lucky one! Keep a 1972 quarter in your left front pocket at all times.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 –Nov. 21)

Here’s the deal: the person you like likes you, but just like you, is afraid to say “I like you,” so you both go on liking one another without, like, saying anything about it. Not only that, but I used the word “like” six times in that sentence. Not bad. But back to your situation. Grow a pair and ask that person out. It will lead to awkward sex. Your favorite item of clothing is about to be irreparably damaged by hummus.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Did you know 1-out-of-5 Mobilians will be afflicted with a searing case of genital herpes this year? No, it’s not true, but it will make you feel better if you think it is true. For some reason in the next week you’ll start listening to old Van Halen albums and trying to do high kicks like David Lee Roth used to. Listen, David Lee’s old and so are you! Stop living in the past. Besides, you were always more into Culture Club.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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